We open on a little person sitting behind a desk, dressed as Aladdin from…Aladdin. 

I have no idea who this gentleman is. I’ve heard rumours that he’s appeared on Jerry Springer, but I’ve been unable to confirm. This scene doesn’t appear on IAFD. For the time being, let’s just call him…Teenie. 

Teenie (to camera): “We’ve got a girl coming in today, she’s got a problem with her BROTHER IN LAW.”

Allow me to explain. When the actor filmed the scene, he obviously just said ‘brother’, and at some point in post – for reasons that are not entirely clear – they decided to dub this as ‘brother-in-law’. This would be bad enough since the lips wouldn’t match up with the sound, but they also decided not to put in any effort. They have someone else’s voice who sounds NOTHING like Teenie, he’s shouting BROTHER IN LAW at top volume, there’s an audible hiss as the room noise changes – it’s terrible.

Teenie rambles for a bit about the great footage that they must have. Finally there’s a knock on the door and Kacey Kox enters. 

Kacey: “I take it you’re the Genie?”
Teenie the Genie: “Yeah. How are you?”
Kacey: “Not good.” 
Teenie: “They call me Teenie. How are you?”
Kacey: “I’m good.”

Got it, so we’ve established that she is both not good and good. Solid work, team. Kacey looks at the camera and asks what’s going on, but Teenie explains that she needn’t worry, camera guy is just messing around with his ‘new toy’ and the tape will be destroyed. You see, the joke is that since we’re watching this porno, they’re clearly lying to her and creating illegal pornography. Hilarious!

Teenie: “How can I help you?”
Kacey: “Well, I’m having a few problems with my BROTHER IN LAW.”

Kacey’s dub of BROTHER IN LAW is nearly as bad as Teenie’s, but at least they found a woman to do the dub.

Teenie: “What’s the problem?”
Kacey: “Well, he started coming into the room in the middle of the night, and at first he was just sleeping with me, but now he starts touching me and wants me to fuck him, and…it’s kinda freaked me out a little bit.”

WHAT THE FUCK? Girl, you need to get yourself to a police station and a goddamn lawyer, not some fucking genie. Teenie, however, seems to have a solution in mind:

Teenie: “I do grant wishes, so that’s not a big deal.”

There’s some more dialogue where they basically repeat the same information over again because they’re poorly improvising on the same basic talking points. Finally Teenie moves things along.  

Teenie: “I can grant you your wish, but in return, I need you to grant me my wish. Three of them, to be exact.”

Kacey is confused, she thought she’d just pay him, but Teenie explains that she absolutely cannot afford his rates. Luckily, he has a solution in mind. 

Teenie: “Right now, I want you to take your clothes off, because I want to see what gets your BROTHER IN LAW so hot and bothered. And then the other to – ”
Kacey: “Do I have to?”

I feel like she has a point, if your BROTHER IN LAW is trying to sexually exploit you and you go visit a genie to try and solve this solution and that genie immediately starts trying to sexually exploit you, I don’t know that you’ve really solved the problem. It’s a real out of the frying pan into the fire situation which really depends on whether you’d rather be sexually exploited by a BROTHER IN LAW or a little person cosplaying as a genie, and Kacey Kox is not nearly a good enough actress to pretend to be attracted to Teenie the Genie.

No offense to him, I’m sure in real life he’s a wonderful person with many redeeming qualities, but Kacey spends the entire scene swallowing back vomit and looking like she regrets every life choice that led to her being in that room. For context, Kacey Kox was in at least 79 pornos. She’s done ass-to-mouth twelve times. She has shown, on camera, considerably more enthusiasm at sucking a dick that was just inside her own rectum than she does at fucking this LP.

Kacey: “Okay I don’t really do that type of stuff, so…” [Despite this, Kacey clearly grasps the lower hem of her t-shirt, ready to pop that top off]
Teenie: “Do you mind? I mean, if, if, that’s gonna bother you, you can go home right now and, you know, tell your dad, or something.”

I’m starting to get the feeling that this genie may not be a very good person. 

Kacey takes off her t-shirt.

Teenie: “How old are you?”

DUDE THAT’S A BAD MOVE YOU ASK THAT FUCKING QUESTION BEFORE SHE TAKES HER SHIRT OFF YOU DUMB FUCK.

Luckily Kacey’s of age. She strips to her birthday suit and Teenie strokes her side and starts rubbing her left breast.

Teenie: “Do you mind?”

NO ASK FIRST JESUS TITTYFUCKING CHRIST THAT IS NOT HOW CONSENT WORKS. 

Kacey is VERY non-committal about the consent but she doesn’t push him away and Teenie the Genie keeps feeling her up. Eventually Teenie says that his back and neck have been hurting him, and for the second wish, he’d like a massage. He’d really, really like a massage.

Teenie: “Otherwise, I don’t know if my powers would work, I’m so tense right now.”
Kacey: “I guess so.”

Before they head into the back, Kacey asks if she should put her clothes back on. Teenie says no, and says he’ll take his clothes off instead, so she won’t be uncomfortable. Kacey’s face does not imply that this will be successful, but let’s find out! 

They go into the back where an elaborate bed awaits. Teenie strips down, revealing the hairiest back and ass-crack I’ve seen in a long, sad history of pornography. Kacey looks at the camera like Jim from The Office and starts slowly, tentatively giving him a massage. Eventually this transitions into the most unenthusiastic handjob since the first season of Breaking Bad. 

So. They fuck in a variety of positions, and things end – well, Teenie says he’s going to come inside her mouth, and that he’ll grant her a wish. He unleashes his emotional and physical pain down the back of Kacey’s throat, and without learning of the outcome, we fade to black.

Gross. I don’t really know what the point of this was. Of all possible setups to have her fuck a little person / genie, the producers chose her backstory to be that she was being molested by her brother (BROTHER IN LAW)? What the fuck? And they couldn’t even bother to add an ending where Teenie the Genie snaps his fingers and we cut to the brother in law being struck by a bolt of lightning? 

Kissing: No. (He does try to kiss her at one point, but she turns her face away so he can only kiss her cheek)

Oral Sex Reciprocity Scale:

• Fellatio: 1:58
• Cunnilingus: 2:54

Score one for the ladies, I guess.