“Desperate Mothers and Wives” ran for 13 volumes, but it’s crowning achievement was definitely the third installment, which is where today’s scene comes from. We open on Max Black and Mark Anthony peering over a wall and casing a joint. They’ve apparently been planning this break-in for a while because there’s a lot of shit they want. You really have to give a hat-tip to how porn contributes to race relations in this country.

Max: “I want to take the bitch, but I can’t ever get the time.”

Mark jumps over the wall, but Max takes the easier way through the open gate, which I appreciate. They head inside and it’s beyond obvious they are not remotely prepared for this section. We are treated to watching two porn stars badly improvise and try out their space work. They also clearly aren’t allowed to actually take anything, so everything they pick up they end up putting back a few seconds later, except for the first thing, which is a Sprite bottle from the fridge. More on the Sprite later: it comes back.

Max steals a clock, but hangs it back up. Their heist is interrupted when the homeowners come back through the door. Autumn Moon is bitching out her husband (played by an uncredited eastern European man) because he forgot his wallet. The two criminals hide behind the couch as Hubby finds his wallet. Then they leap out. Max elects to do a full ass-over-teakettle somersault over the couch, which I enjoyed. Mark grabs Hubby and Max grabs Autumn, screaming “DON’T FUCKING MOVE!”

Mark shoves Hubby face-first onto the couch and for a brief moment I wondered if this was actually gay porn, but instead he just steals his wallet. Mark has a roll of duct tape and there’s a brief moment where he considers duct-taping Hubby’s hands behind his back before realizing that’s way too much effort. He demands to know where the safe is. Hubby says the bedroom. Mark pulls the visibly giggling Hubby upright and hustles him out of the living room, presumably to either spend the rest of this scene cracking the safe or butt-fucking Autumn’s beloved husband. Whichever.

Max puts the Sprite bottle inside his shirt with the cap facing out, pretends this is a gun, and threats Autumn, who begs him not to hurt her husband.

Told you that Sprite bottle would be coming back.

Anyway, Max sits down next to Autumn on the sofa and immediately switches up the game.

Max: “You like black guys?”
Autumn: “Um, never dated one…I dunno – ”
Max: “C’mon – DON’T MAKE ME MAD.”
Autumn: “Sorry! Sorry!”

To her credit, Autumn really sells that she’s afraid of the man who has broken into her home and is now screaming at her.

Max: “I’m trying to get some fucking information out of you, you want to be dumb, don’t answer my fucking questions – ”
Autumn: “I’m sorry – ”
Max: “ – I will go in there and stick a plunger up your husband’s ass.”

A threat of sodomy by toilet plunger. That’s a new one for Pornography Bingo.

Max: “Tell me now, do you like black guys?”
Autumn: “You know what, I’ve always had a fascination about them, but I’ve never actually – I’ve never actually done one before.”
Max: “So your little small dick husband isn’t pleasing you, is basically what you’re saying.”
Autumn: “He’s okay, he’s okay.”

Max takes Autumn’s hand and puts it on his crotch, and suggest while they’re waiting…stops to scream some more, then tells her to take her titties out. Autumn does so. He asks if he can touch them.

Autumn: “You won’t hurt my husband, promise? You’re not going to hurt me, swear?
Max: “I’ll try not to hurt you.”
Autumn. “No.”
Max: “Okay, okay, I won’t hurt you.”

So. He has her get on his knees and sticks his dick in her mouth, blah blah.

Not sure what the weirdest part of that is: that he refers to his penis as his husband, that his penis has a name, and that the name is Johnny Appleseed. That’s…strange. Also: SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.

Things play out pretty much the rest of the way they normally do in the break-into-someone’s-house-and-heavily-imply-violence-against-them-and-their-families-unless, you know, they agree to fuck you genre of porn. It’s basically like normal porn, except periodically Autumn asks for reassurances that she won’t be hurt and Max talks shit about her husband. So basically cuck porn with the implication of violence.

They fuck in a variety of positions and either Autumn is the greatest actress in pornography or she is really, really into it. I’m inclined toward the latter. If you look at her filmography on IAFD, she basically does two things:

• Lesbian movies
• fuck black guys

Eventually things come full circle.

Autumn: “Okay. I’m glad you guys broke into my house today!”

That’s the great thing about porn. You have a standard, break-into-the-house rape scene, but the dicking is so amazing she’s into it, which magically transforms it into a safe, legal, consensual experience.

Finally Max unleashes baby chowder all over her ass. On cue, Mark Antony comes back in the room, cash in hand. He’s excited because he also wants to tap that.

Max: “You didn’t hurt her husband, dawg?
Mark: “I…don’t think he’s hurt.”
Max: “No man, fuck that, you hurt her husband? Aw, c’mon, dog, we gotta get the fuck out of here.”

Jesus. I don’t know whether Mark butt-fucked her husband or sodomized him with a toilet plunger, but either way, he needs to get to a proctologist.

They exit.

Autumn: “I sure hope my husband appreciates everything I did for him….come again, though.”

Yikes.

Kissing: No

Oral Sex Reciprocity Scale:

• Fellatio: 4:21
• Cunnilingus: 0:54