One of the truly great things about Rule 34 is that there are no exceptions, and when, in the exceeding rare instances where an exception does exist, Rule 35 decrees that someone must immediately make porn of it. And from the first moment that I witnessed the visual and auditory genius of The Lonely Island’s “Dick In A Box”, I wondered when the porn industry would jump on that train.
Unfortunately – while a handful of scenes exist – it’s remained on the fringes. It certainly hasn’t reached the ubiquity of a engorged schlong thrust through a well-shaped hole in a pizza box. Still. Let’s take a look at a few examples.
One appearance would be Mia Monroe on Bang Bus 57. For the uninitiated, the Bang Bus is where they drive a passenger van around, pretend to spot random women (aka professional porn stars they’ve already hired) on the street, lure them into the Bang Bus with promises of a free ride or cash, fuck the shit out of them, and then move on.
We open on an unidentified Santa Claus chilling in the back of the Bang Bus as he yells at the driver and the camera operator. It’s pretty incomprehensible and stupid and there’s a lot of n-bombs; ome would say too many.
Anyway, they’re cruising through a mall parking lot and spot Mia Monroe and offer her a candy cane. They make some jokes about her “accepting candy from strangers” and then give her $20. Mia walks off so they scream at her to come back. They ask her if she needs money, and Mia admits that everyone needs money. Finally:
Camera Guy: “Do you want to meet Santa?”
Anyway, people are honking at them for blocking traffic and shit so Mia, brimming with the confidence of a Ted Bundy victim, climbs into the van with three dudes she’s never met before and they pull out.
The camera guy explains that they’re doing a show for the internet and they interview girls and talk about Christmas and stuff. It’s about as believable as a serial killer asking if you want to see his kitten. Camera guy asks Mia if she wants to participate and also reiterates that they’ll totally, like, pull over and let her out if she doesn’t. But hopefully that won’t happen. Because of the implication.
They chat about gifts for a bit. She rambles through what gifts she wants and eventually Santa comes out to hang out and talk shit. They all improvise a bunch of terrible, terrible dialogue, and finally arrive on the fact that they have a gift for her that’s on Santa’s lap:
Eventually Camera Guy offers her $60 to touch his dick. Wow. I feel like I’d need more than that, but apparently Mia is down.
Camera Guy: “Did you ever think when you grew up that you’d be jerking off Santa?”
Mia: “No.”
It’s one of those questions I bet she asks herself repeatedly while staring into the mirror coming down from a drug high.
The conversation turns to how much it will cost to kiss Santa’s gift. Camera Guy offers her $500. With very little convincing, Mia goes down and…well, who knows what happens, because the box is so fucking deep that we have no idea what’s going on.
It doesn’t matter because they immediately abandon the bit, toss the box to the side, and Mia starts fellating our unknown Santa. It’s not super interesting. They fuck in a variety of positions and things end the way they – well, actually, he starts loudly ringing a bell like those assholes outside of the grocery store do, and then ejaculates the Christmas Spirit all over Mia’s face.
Mia asks them to drop her off back at the mall. They pull up on the side of the road where you can see the mall (past a railroad track and over a tall fence). They kinda push Mia (still topless) out of the van and throw her shirt out, scream “goodbye” and take off while cackling loudly. This was a somewhat common trend in reality gonzo porn where being pointlessly cruel to women was sort’ve a fun extra: as soon as they finish, they abandon them, preferably partially undressed, in a random place and take off.
Isn’t porn fun?
Another topical scene was Christmas Dick In a Box. Tyler Nixon enters and offers a gift to Vina Sky sitting next to the Christmas tree.
Tyler Nixon: “Hey sis! Got you a Christmas present!”
Vina Sky: “It better not be a bad gift, I don’t take shit from my step-brother.”
Tyler: “You are such a slut! You know what, I’m going to get you a dick in a box for Christmas.”
Vina: “Good, I’d probably fuck it, unless it’s your tiny dick.”
Tyler is overcome with rage and storms off. You know, I know the series is called “Bratty Sis” and basically resolves around hate-fucking your step-sister but…actually, asked and answered. That’s the fetish and it’s not for me.
Next scene, Vina is rattling presents to try and hear what’s inside. Tyler comes in, with, you know:
Vina is now suddenly happy that she’s got a present, because continuity is not important, and opens the present. She is delighted to see that it’s a Santa hat. But lurking underneath the Santa hat is…you guessed it…Tyler’s penis.
Vina immediately starts making fun of his cock size. They argue for a bit. I would estimate Tyler’s cock is pretty normal, maybe slightly above average because, you know, porn star. They both talk shit to each other, she gives him a handy, things progress, they fuck in a variety of positions and things end the way they normally do.
Finally, in fairness, I should close by at least mentioning 2020’s “Pussy In a Box”, which is more or less exactly what it sounds like, plus incest, and minus the pussy actually being in the box.
Put the fucking effort in, porn. Jesus.