The odds are decent that even if you’re not a bad porn plot aficionado, you may have come across the phrase “lemon stealing whore” on the internet, just due to it being a meme. If not, take a moment to review the (relatively) SFW intro on YouTube:

This scene, from the 2006 film “Virgin Territory”, stars Joanna Angel, James Deen, and Haley Paige (who died in 2007 from suicide / heroin overdose / being murdered by her husband; nobody knows because her husband later committed suicide himself, sorry to start this episode with a downer). 

This scene is delightful for a couple reasons; first, it encapsulates everything terrible about porn plots; a completely nonsensical storyline, dialogue (if any of it was written) written by people with no idea how to write, and then given to actors with no ability to act or improvise, which typically leads to actors repeating vague variations around one or two lines while looking like a deer frozen in the headlights. 

I do appreciate that there is one legitimately hilarious line when Haley Paige asks “Hey, has it been about ten seconds since we looked at our lemon tree?” in a strange moment of almost self-awareness. Haley and James run over and grab the lemons away from Joanna, Haley says that she’ll put the lemons away safely but James needs to “teach her a lesson about lemon stealing.” This is porn, and lessons mean sex, so James pushes Joanna to her knees and starts skull-fucking her. 

This would typically be where any other porno would forget about the plot and move into a traditional sex scene, but I’ll give Virgin Territory credit, they commit like a Family Guy bit. Haley returns and shouts “GAG ON HIS COCK YOU LEMON STEALING WHORE!” and Joanna does her best to oblige which is probably challenging since the scene has barely started and James isn’t erect yet. Haley also explains if Joanna does a “really good job” she might “give her a lemon”. James clarifies that it’ll be “only one though” which is an awfully low price considering the number of Joanna’s orifices he’ll be fucking over the next 30 minutes. It’s also annoying that they’ve already forgotten the plotline; this was supposed to be punishment for being a lemon stealing whore and now they’re offering her lemon payments for how well she performs fellatio. 

James extracts his cock from Joanna’s mouth long enough for her to complain “I want more than one though,” but James puts his cock back before the conversation can really get going. He does hold up a lemon as encouragement, though. 

The face-fucking continues; eventually James tells her to “rub the lemon on her pussy” which is a bold move but Joanna obliges, probably because she still has her fishnets on and the odds of getting fresh citrus inside her vagina are low. 

Haley then steps in and asks Joanna what she will do for TWO lemons:

Haley suggests maybe Joanna could take even more cock, which seems unrealistic, and then suggests seeing what Joanna could do for “a whole bushel of lemons” so they take Joanna inside the house. There’s an extended blowjob while Haley diddles herself – with a lemon – in the background on a loveseat next to a stuffed duck. Evidently the thought of lemon juice on her clit doesn’t bother her.

I’m not joking. 

Why the fuck do ducks keep appearing in porn? Is it because ducks are rapists, and porn can be pretty rapey? If this was an art house film, that would certainly be the subtext of this scene, but it’s not, so I guess this director just has a duck fetish. 

Joanna and Haley yell “I’m a lemon whore!” at each other a few times, although it would make more sense if Haley shouted “I’m a duck whore!” 

Anyway. That’s about it. There’s a pretty typical aggressive anal sex scene and people reference lemons a few time. At one time Joanna Angel says “My ass feels like a burning angel” which is probably not a good thing, that’s why God invented lube. The scene ends with a pop shot and some snowballing and Joanna and Haley agree the cum tastes like lemons. James takes a lemon, aggressively rubs it against Joanna’s asshole, jams it in her mouth, and warns her to never take their lemons again, but allows she can have one lemon. Joanna smiles and explains to the camera that she’s going to steal lemons every day, because this was a fulfilling sexual experience, and kisses the lemon – 

 and then we PAN OVER TO THE FUCKING STUFFED DUCK BEFORE WE FADE TO BLACK JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. 

Ultimately, this one left a bad taste in my mouth. Earlier Haley heavily implied if Joanna agreed to let James use her like a blow-up doll there would be a whole bushel of lemons in it for her, and then they pulled a bait and switch and left her with just a single lemon. Even though Joanna seems okay with the solo lemon, I would have preferred she walked out the door with a basket full of lemons, or maybe making a lemon meringue pie to set up a sequel or something. [There is a sequel, BTW]

Tl;dr: Came for the lemons, stayed for the duck, what the actual fuckity fuck.