After a cold open (which I appreciate) and opening credits over slow-panning Christmas stock footage (which I appreciate more) we get the title card, “Family Holiday”, which I don’t appreciate. If you’re going to make a generic holiday porno, make it generic, instead of being very much about fucking Christmas.
Kristen Scott and Lucas Frost enter a palatial residence while Kristen narrates in voiceover. I’m not sure I’ve mentioned this before, but I’m a fan of V.O. in porn. Let’s crawl inside those skulls and see what’s clanging around. Apparently, Kristen and Lucas have been dating for a while, and they’re meeting his family on Christmas Eve, then her family on Christmas Day. Promising setup that will in no way lead to incest!
Kristen stares around and does her best to look confused, almost pulling it off.
Lucas: “What?”
Kristen: “This place is huge!”
Lucas: “I mean, I guess…what?”
Kristen: “You know I was raised by a single mom.”
Lucas: “Yeah, so?”
Kristen: “So I came from like no money. My place is nothing like this.”
Lucas: “Money doesn’t matter. I’m gonna love your family, and you’re going to love mine.”
Oh, Lucas. You sweet summer child. Nothing matters more than money.
Kristen: “I hope so. I really want them to like me.”
Lucas: “They’ll love you.”
Mona Wales enters with a delighted “Sucky!” Kristen inquires, and we learn that a) Mona is his stepmother, and b) “Sucky” is her nickname for him. I have a lot of questions about this, and I assume Kristen does as well, but before they can be asked and answered Mona kisses Lucas squarely on the lips.
Now, I know that families are all different with levels of physical affection, and given Mona’s established stepmotherly relationship with Lucas, I can confidently assume this porno will feature Lucas being balls-deep in her mouth, that’s still fucking gross.
Lucas introduces Kristen. Technically, she’s called ‘Dallas’, but there’s no goddamn way I’m going to try to remember character names as well. Mona asks why she’s not wearing a Christmas sweater and Kristen doesn’t have a good answer. Apparently Lucas is a big fan of Christmas sweaters, which is a big red flag, ladies, right after mouth-kissing your stepmom.
Kristen (V.O.): “I’d only been there a few minutes and I already knew they were going to hate me.”
We move into the living room where Mona, Lucas, and Tommy Gunn all hold glasses of eggnog without drinking them. Kristen doesn’t have any eggnog, which I assume is a power move on Mona’s behalf. Mona, for her part, announces that Kristen and Lucas will not be sharing a bedroom while they’re in her house.
Mona: “In my house, I should be the most important woman in my son’s life, and if I can’t share a bed with him, well, neither can you.”
Add two more red flags to the pile. Kristen says it’s no problem, though, while looking like she wants to start a catfight then and there. Mona asks Tommy to go fetch “Victoria” so they can open presents. There’s some more stilted dialogue that reveals that Victoria is Mona’s daughter and Tommy’s stepdaughter. Got it. So she and Tommy will be fucking later. I’m picking up what you’re laying down, movie.
We cut upstairs to Tommy knocking on a door and “Victoria” tells him to come in. Victoria is revealed to be Lena Paul, who is hitachi-wanding it up over a very revealing outfit:
Tommy: “I think you’re supposed to be downstairs opening…gifts.”
Lena: “But I’ve got a present up here for you to unwrap.”
Tommy: “I think that gift is better saved for later when everyone is asleep.”
Lena: “I’ll be quick, I promise. Come on. Are you really gonna deny me…Daddy?”
And then they fuck. It’s not super interesting. They do mention “Christmas doesn’t come early” a couple times, which is a decent line, even though they’re fucking the day before Christmas. It’s also not particularly quick, taking about twenty-one minutes, and the bedsprings are very noisy. If you tell your husband to go fetch your step-daughter so you can open Christmas presents, and it takes him twenty-one minutes to get back downstairs, you know they’re fucking.
Eventually things end the way they normally do, and Tommy looks up at the sky.
Tommy: “I guess Christmas came early anyway!”
Fucking saved it!
Kissing: Yes
Oral Sex Reciprocity Scale:
- Fellatio: 2:51
- Cunnilingus: 0:37
- 69: 1:50
For Scene 2, we cut back downstairs to Lucas, Mona, and Kristen, no doubt wondering what the fuck is taking Tommy so long. Eventually, Mona asks Kristen to go investigate, giving her directions to the bedroom. Kristen wanders off.
Mona: “I hate Dallas.”
Lucas: “What?!”
Mona: “The city, not your girl.”
Okay, I officially regret not going with character names for this, because that line is fucking gold.
Kristen goes upstairs and approaches the bedroom just as Tommy and Lena come out of her bedroom. Tommy puts his wedding ring back on, and to be subtle about it, he announces it.
Tommy: “Oh, I guess I should put my wedding ring back on.”
That pulls me right out of the immersion. If I know one thing about dudes who fuck their stepdaughters, it’s that they leave their wedding rings on while they do it.
Kristen says Mona – and she says “Mona”, who was clearly not important enough to get a character name – is wondering where they were. Tommy introduces her to Lena, and Kristen asks for a restroom. Once there, we get more voiceover!
Kristen (V.O.): “[Lucas] had always told me his family was close, but I was starting to feel like a fifth wheel. How can you really fault a family for being close? I mean, what’s the harm in that?”
As she ponders these deep thoughts, Mona appears behind her in the mirror like a horror movie villain. Mona asks if she’s lost and that everyone downstairs is waiting for her. You know, Mona’s really acting like a bitch. I’m starting to not like her. And then…
Mona: “Are you sleeping with my son?”
Kristen (V.O.): “Okay, maybe there is harm in being that close.”
Mona: “Don’t be shy. We don’t believe in secrets in this family.”
Kristen (V.O.): “Which is why I decided to lie.”
Kristen: “Oh, no no. No we haven’t.”
Mona: “Good. I wouldn’t want my son to be dating a whore.”
YIKES. Okay, Mona’s a bitch. Fuck her.
Kristen (V.O.): “The rest of the day I did my best to be the perfect girlfriend. I laughed at their yuppie jokes and admired their bizarre taste in gift-giving. I just wanted them to like me…even though the truth was, I didn’t like them.”
Meeting in-laws is hard. Also, during this narration, we see Lucas opening up a cheap wooden toy train that looks like it was rejected from Goodwill for not having value and wrapped by Michael J. Fox. We then cut forward to that evening in a bedroom.
Lucas: “What do you think of my family?”
Kristen: “I love them!”
This relationship. I feel, is doomed to fail.
Kristen asks about his “Sucky” nickname (good instincts) but Lucas doesn’t elaborate (red flag). Lucas asks her to sneak into his room (green flag) but Kristen says she doesn’t want to be on Mona’s shit list (good instincts) so they kiss good night. Kristen leaves, and immediately afterward Mona (who is really working on her horror movie villain appearances) rises from where she was hiding behind the bed. Lucas isn’t surprised, so he clearly knew she was there, which makes me wonder why he asked Kristen to sneak in.
Mona asks Lucas why he didn’t tell her about the “Sucky” nickname.
Lucas: “I doubt my girlfriend wants to hear about our sex life, mom.”
Possibly true, but I’ve watched enough porn to know it would be trivially easy for Lucas to spin this situation into a stepmom-girlfriend threesome, which, as we all know, is the champagne of threesomes.
Mona reveals that Kristen told her they weren’t fucking (Lucas rolls his eyes) but exposits that Daddy took a couple Xanax, and Victoria is doing “God knows what” so they might as well explore his Sucky nickname.
Mona: “But I’ve already given you my present.”
Lucas: “Just a little sucky, Mommy.”
I’m not aroused when I write these posts, but hearing that line gave me a reverse boner. My dick shrivelled up and retreated inside my body.
That’s about it. They fuck in a variety of positions and things end the way they normally do.
Kissing: Yes
Oral Sex Reciprocity Scale:
- Fellatio: 3:56
- Cunnilingus: 1:36
- 69: 1:08
The next morning Lucas and Kristen leave while Kristen narrates in V.O. about how glad she was to leave and get back to her own family. We then immediately cut to a shot of Chad Alva and Logan Pierce slamming Lucas against a wall and screaming about how they “own guns” and will “fuckin’ kill ya!” Logan explains that if Lucas hurts his sister, he’ll die.
We cut in to the foursome playing Yankee swap:
Logan offers to swap a carton of cigarettes for a box of ammo. He mutters something about how he’ll never know when he needs it while giving Lucas a menacing look, but this friendly death threat is interrupted by the matriarch – Reagan Foxx – entering.
Reagan: “I’m sorry I’m so late. All those lonely men just need a tug and cuddle before the holidays. Just part of the job.”
Lucas: “Um…what’s the job?”
Reagan: “Oh, [Kristen] didn’t tell you? I’m a dancer.”
Lucas: “Dancer? Like a stripper?”
Chad slams his fist against the table. Classic Chad.
Chad: “You gotta problem with that?”
Lucas: “Oh, no, I just, um – ”
Reagan tells everyone to calm down and she’s going to go get changed.
Logan bitches at Lucas for making their mother cry, to which Kristen points out that their mother was not, in fact, crying. Logan says that not everyone was born with a silver spoon up their asshole.
Logan: “Some people have to take their clothes off to put food on the table.”
Case in point: Logan.
Lucas: “No, I get it. No judgement.”
Kristen suggests they all calm down and have some alcohol, because nothing helps awkward aggressive encounters with the inlaws like adding alcohol. Lucas agrees and asks if they have any eggnog. Logan, who has been taking steady pulls at a 40 with the label hidden, does not seem pleased.
We move in to Chad and Reagan. Chad gives her the carton of cigarettes as a gift. They discuss Lucas and Chad offers to kick his ass, but Reagan declines. They chat a little bit and we learn that Reagan actually took in Chad and Logan because their “crackhead mother” abandoned them. You mean…Chad and Reagan aren’t blood related? I see where this is going.
Chad: “You’re the best mother a guy could ask for.”
Reagan: “Stepmother.”
Chad: “Girlfriend.”
Reagan: “Don’t tell anyone that.”
They fuck in a variety of positions and it’s not super interesting, even by porn’s standards.
Kissing: Yes
Oral Sex Reciprocity Scale:
- Fellatio: 4:00
- Cunnilingus: 1:48
We move back to the party where Logan and Lucas are slap-happy drunk and Kristen is kinda over it.
Kristen (V.O.): “It’s amazing, the healing effects that alcohol has on people. All it took was a 40 and my stepbrother and [Lucas] had become the best of friends. And it was weird, for a lot of reasons.”
For a second I thought Logan and Lucas were about to fuck, but instead Logan (and in the dialogue, they call him “Brogan”, which is pretty funny) suggests they go out back and shoot some guns. Kristen says they shouldn’t because Lucas is clearly wasted. Lucas Frost, to his credit, is nailing his sloppy drunk acting. Logan doesn’t listen and he and Lucas head out. Annoyed, Kristen picks up a glittery pink dildo that was apparently one of the gifts at this Yankee Swap. A moment later, the freshly fucked Reagan Foxx wanders in.
Reagan: “So much for finishing the Yankee Swap, huh?”
Kristen: “Did you see what I ended up with?”
Reagan: “Better than the guys.”
Bullshit. Every dude deserves his own glittery pink dildo without being shamed.
Reagan: “I picked this up from the club and I was secretly hoping you would get it. I don’t want you to go off and get pregnant at such a young age and…”
She picked up an unwrapped, clearly previously used dildo at her club? Don’t re-gift sex toys, people. That’s fucking gross.
Kristen: “…and ending up like you?”
Reagan: “Yeah.”
Kristen: “Mom, I would be so lucky to end up like you.”
Reagan laughs about having no money and no man, but Kristen immediately reveals that she’s known about her incestual relationship with Chad for years, and needless to say, she’s totally fine with it.
Reagan: “Oh my goodness, I thought I’d done a better job at hiding that.”
For fuck’s sake, when will parents learn that hiding an incestual relationship with your stepson is basically impossible to hide from the other children? They always know.
They chat a bit about how Lucas’ family is weird compared to theirs, and Reagan asks if she really loves Lucas. Kristen hesitates. Reagan suggests that maybe, just maybe, deep down, her heart belongs to someone else?
Reagan: “I have known for years, and it’s okay.”
We then cut to Kristen on a couch examining her dildo, and Logan enters. Kristen asks if he killed her boyfriend, but Logan says he’s passed out on the floor.
They talk about her relationship with Lucas and Kristen says that she loves him. Logan gives her a gift that is wrapped in a black plastic trash bag. And…it’s one of his…old t-shirts.
Logan: “Look, I figure if you’re going to marry this guy – ”
Kristen: “No, I never said anything about marrying him.”
Logan: “No, but he did.”
Kristen: “What?”
Logan: “Yeah, said he had a ring and everything, in his back pocket. And he’s just waiting for the perfect moment to propose tonight. Anyway. I figure if you are going to marry him, you know, it might be nice to have a part of me with you. Unless of course we have some sort of secret affair.”
Kristen: “Like we have been for the past four years?”
Logan says that if Kristen and Lucas do get married, they probably shouldn’t have the affair, since it wouldn’t be right. Kristen retorts that it’s never been right. Porn: telling the hard truths about incest since 2017. Logan starts to leave, but Kristen pulls him in for a passionate kiss and then dangles mistletoe over their heads:
Logan: “What do you think? Once more for old times’ sake?”
Who said romance was dead?
They fuck. It’s fine. Things end the way they normally do. We cut forward, and learn via Kristen’s V.O. that Lucas did, in fact, propose, but she turned him down (over footage of her making out with her stepbrother Logan).
Kissing: Yes
Oral Sex Reciprocity Scale:
- Fellatio: 2:36
- Cunnilingus: 3:15
Kristen (V.O.): “I never told [Lucas] why I ended things. But I think of him often, and I hope he’s doing okay. I guess there’s some comfort in knowing he has the love and support of his family to get through all his heartbreak. After all, that’s what families are for.”
We see Lucas being fed a popsicle and passionately making out with his stepmother, Mona, then cut to Kristen and Lucas making out.
Kristen: “Well, maybe that’s not the only thing!”
Credits.
At first I thought it was a little unrealistic that between the two families of this chaste relationship there are four separate incestual affairs going on, but on second thought, I think it makes sense. Any family that has incest going on (and everyone seems to be aware of everyone’s incest) has clearly normalized it to some degree. It’s like chickenpox. Once the incest gets started, it’s fucking everywhere.
Merry Christmas, everybody.