‘Witness’ was a 1985 film starring Harrison Ford as a cop investigating police corruption or something, who eventually went undercover and lived with the Amish for a while. Also Harrison walked in on Kelly McGinnis giving herself a sponge bath and you see some Amish titties. Given the titillating subject matter, it was only a matter of time before it was adopted into a porno, and that eventually happened with 1998’s ‘Homey In The Haystack’.

To really send the message home, they decided to make Harrison Ford’s character black in the porno. Now, I’m all for colorblind casting, but, uh, the Amish? They’re not really known for their racial diversity. If you’re trying to have a undercover brother, the Amish are probably the last place to hide him. 

After some opening credits (which I appreciate) we open on Delia and Tyce Bune lying on a bed making out. They’re interrupted by a knock on the door and Byron Long enters. Tyce tells him to take a package down to the ‘Olympia Club’ and give it to a tall guy named Mike. 

Tyce: “You want a little blowjob before you head out?”
Byron: “It sounds tempting, it really does, I mean, she looks quite nice, but like I said, I have business to handle.”

Byron leaves, and Tyce and Delia get busy summiting Fuck Mountain. It’s not terribly interesting or relevant to the plot, so let’s skip past it. Tyce and Delia are settling down for a nice post-coital snuggle and cum kiss when the police burst in and arrest them! 

Tyce: “You ain’t got nothing on me, you ain’t got shit!”
Cop: “Half a key at the Olympia Club ain’t shit?”
Tyce: “That fucking Marvin Hayes! Well I tell you what, you butt-fucking asshole cop, that son of a bitch won’t be alive to testify against me, goddamnit! Baby, call my lawyer! Call my fucking lawyer!”

Now, I’m not a lawyer – nor do I play one on TV – but I’m fairly confident you shouldn’t tell the cops you plan to murder a cooperating witness. One, I think that may be a crime, and two, they might try to, I dunno, protect him?

We move into a detective’s office where Byron is talking to the fuzz, aka Johnny Thrust in a non-sex role. Byron is concerned that he’s a dead man. They improvise very, very poorly, because they’re obviously not working off a script, so Byron just gets increasingly hysterical and yells ‘I’m a dead man!’ about twelve times. Johnny reads off Byron’s rap sheet and we get a list of pseudonyms, one of which is Byron ‘The Alabama Black Snake’ Long. Long story short, the police are interested in keeping him alive to testify against Tyce, so they’re planning to hide him out until trial, then put him in witness protection. 

Johnny hands Byron a very fake looking beard, and with that, we cut over to the Amish house. Dave Hardman (as the patriarch Samuel) is reading the Scriptures. Candy Vegas (as the matriarch Emma) is knitting a blanket. Zoe (aka Elly Mae) is fingering the end of the blanket, and Regan Starr (aka Emma Jr) is holding a piece of paper.

Emma Jr: “Father, Mother would like me to read you this letter we received today in the mail. It’s quite peculiar, actually. It reads: ‘Dear family, you don’t know me but I am coming to visit. I am family, and I live on the Missouri [unintelligible]. My wife has recently passed away, and due to the elders feeling like I should come and be with family, I am coming to visit for two weeks!’”
Samuel: “I had no idea I even had a cousin in Missouri! But boy, we sure can use the help on the farm. Especially with planting season.”
Emma Jr: “Father, behind you! Someone walking up the road!”

We get a shot of Byron – decked out in Amish attire and sporting a magnificent fake beard – walking up to the house. Emma Jr asks if that’s his cousin Jedidiah, and Samuel says if it is, the Amish in Missouri look a lot different. 

Elly Mae: “Father! He’s rather tan!”

Zing! 

Everyone heads out and Samuel introduces himself and welcomes Jedidiah to their home.

We cut forward to the dinner table and Emma Sr is serving up hefty portions of sausage and sauerkraut.

I notice that Emma Sr. has enormous hoop earrings and maybe twelve bracelets and a ring or two, all of which are very much not allowed by the Amish. I also notice none of the three women are wearing their head coverings, which is also a very big no-no.

Jedidiah: “Wow, that’s a big wiener.”
Emma Jr: “Yes, Jedidiah, that’s how we like our wieners.”

The wordplay in this porno is incredibly subtle, but to really hammer the point home, Emma Jr. says again that they like big wieners while taking a bite off the end of her wiener and making hard eye contact:

Not to be outdone, Elly Mae takes a nibble of wiener while eye-fucking her darkly tanned cousin, then starts licking the end of her wiener:

I’m guessing this is supposed to be erotic or something? 

Samuel comments about being surprised he had a cousin in Missouri, but Jedidiah says they try to keep a low profile in Missouri, because of the English. [For those not in the know, the Amish refer to everyone who is not Amish as ‘the English’] Everyone agrees to this. Emma Sr. takes her own juicy bite of wiener while staring at her husband’s cousin. Then there’s a knock at the door and ‘Brother Isaiah’, aka Jay Ashley enters. Isaiah asks if he can take Elly Mae for a walk and her parents readily agree, because as sexually repressed as these groups are, they are equally desperate to get their daughters hitched while at their most fertile and wholly marriageable age. 

It’s also worth noting that the lighting in the interior scenes is hot garbage, and also, the camera operator is exposing for white skin, so every shot of Byron Long is horribly lit:

Jedidiah pokes around his plate and sniffs his sauerkraut suspiciously. 

Jedidiah: “Do we eat this every day?”
Emma Jr: “No, not everyday. Only when the pigs have gotten full-grown and plump enough to kill.”

At that, we fade to black, and fade in on Samuel bursting in to Jedidiah’s bedroom at four-thirty in the morning (which tracks) and holding a double-sized axe (which doesn’t track, but is acceptable). We cut to a barn where a horse is eating oats out of a bucket. I am quite impressed with the production quality for this flick, they clearly found a small farm where they could film and are determined to get their money’s worth. 

Jedidiah chats with the legendary Buck Adams (repeat offender) who says that in Pennsylvania they all try to work “one and half times” as hard as the English. He shows Jedidiah one of the horse’s feet, then says he needs to shoe the horse. We are then treated to Jedidiah having an extensive dialogue with the horse, asking about loafers and shit like that. It’s not funny. Also, I think they’d probably call a farrier if they needed their horse re-shod. 

We get some footage of Jedidiah fucking around in a field. I don’t know enough about plants to know if he’s turning up soil or actually killing crops, but either way, he’s not happy:

Jedidiah: “Why don’t you folks use tractors!”

Religion, Jedidiah. It’s always religion. 

Emma Jr. comes out and brings him a glass of lemonade. Jedidiah asks if there’s a bathroom anywhere around. Emma explains that they don’t have bathrooms and running water, so he can use a tree. That’s…well, that’s great for a number one, but what if it’s a number two? Regardless, Jedidiah goes and takes a lengthy piss, and Emma hides (poorly) behind a bush to watch, and comments to herself about the size of his dick. 

Later, Jedidiah sits down to relax inside the barn, and Emma Jr. enters. She asks how he’s doing, and Jedidiah says sarcastically that he’s used to working from four in the morning until dark. Emma says she has a question.

Emma Jr: “Well the other day ago, yesterday in fact, you were relieving yourself in the field and I was just wondering what exactly the size of your wiener is. When I saw it it was literally the size of a horse and I thought that maybe I could possibly ask if I could see it, I was so amazed, I’d never seen such a thing. It was really big!”
Jedidiah: “What about your father?”
Emma Jr: “Well, Brother Samuel, my father, usually goes in and doesn’t come out. You see he works all day long, and when he goes in to eat dinner he stays in, and he goes to bed early and wakes up again in the morning. So I know for sure he won’t be out again and I just need to see what it looks like. I’ll tell you one thing. Last night when we were eating dinner…remember the size of Mother’s wieners that she cooked? YOUR wiener was bigger than the wieners we ate for dinner! I swear to you!”

Despite this barrage of information, Jedidiah is still a little worried about meeting her father’s wrath, so the young Amish woman does her best to assuage these fears:

Emma Jr: “It’s really okay, I will not be afraid, I promise. I clean the horse’s penis every single day and your wiener is much bigger than his.”
Jedidiah: “Well, he is only a horse…”

Fucking gold. Also: I know, unfortunately, that a part of male horse ownership is washing their penis, but it is not a daily activity, and also, what is with these porno girls and their obsession with horse cocks? Horse girls are fucking crazy. 

Emma has him sit down and get his dick out and – after commenting on its size – crams it right into her mouth without asking for permission. Then, after a moment:

Emma Jr: “My, that tastes different!”

Is…is this movie trying to imply that black men’s penises taste different from white men’s penises? Or is she still talking about the horse? 

Anyway. They fuck in a variety of positions. Periodically we get artistic shots of the horse and / or the goat in the background, which just feels weird to me.

Like, if you’re at home, you kick the dog out of the room when you fuck, right? Nobody wants to suddenly feel a damp dog’s nose against your ass when you’re in the midst of your vinegar strokes, and I feel like you don’t want a horse standing around judging you either. Eventually things end the way they normally do, and we get a cutaway shot of several chickens hanging out for reasons that are unclear:

If they were roosters, at least we could pretend this was a meta-commentary on Emma Jr. being surrounded by cocks on all sides, but this makes no fucking sense. 

That evening at dinner Jedidiah is falling asleep at the table so Samuel makes the suggestion of using the horse to plow the field while Emma Sr. picks straw out of her daughter’s hair. 

The next day Isaiah comes up to pick Jedidiah’s brain about women. Jedidiah asks if they have barn dances, which Isaiah confirms. The Amish are strictly anti-dancing. I feel like whoever wrote this flick did not do much research. Anyway, Jedidiah says that since this is his woman, he can be a bit more forceful with her. NO NO NO NO THIS IS BAD FUCKING ADVICE. 

Later, Elly Mae comes up for advice and says she and Isaiah want to get married, but since she’s never been with a man before, she’s scared and doesn’t know what to expect. Jedidiah says he might be more forceful and direct. Elly Mae says she doesn’t understand. 

Jedidiah: “Well, you should be comfortable with him, just kinda, fondling you.”

As he says this, he grabs each of her breasts in turn, without asking for permission first. Jesus fucking Christ. HOW HARD IS IT TO GET CONSENT YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES. 

Jedidiah starts unsnapping her shirt, revealing a couple of breasts that he starts sucking on.

Elly Mae: “Oh Jedidiah, I’m starting to feel like I do want to ride the horse bareback!”

What. The. Fuck. Is. With. These. Girls. And. Horses? 

Jedidiah says she’ll need to learn how to please Isaiah, and to give her a hands-on mouth-on lesson, inserts his cock into her maw. One thing leads to another and together he and Elly Mae start up the foothills of Fuck Mountain. Things are going well until Isaiah comes around the corner and is horrified. Jedidiah quickly explains that this is just how they do things where he’s from and encourages Isaiah to get his dick out. This happens, and we learn Isaiah has a nipple ring, which is also strictly forbidden under the Amish faith. What the fuck is going on with this production?

They all fuck. At some point Jedidiah comments that it’s raining and we hear some thunder in the background. They don’t stop filming and move indoors because time is money and nobody gives a shit if porn stars are struck by lightning, I guess? 

We cut forward and Jedidiah is outside raking, and Mila comes around the corner. 

Mila: “Marvin! Marvin Harrison!”
Jedidiah: “Oh, no no, I am Brother Jebidiah.”
Mila: “No, Marvin! I know, no, it’s okay, you can be cool with me. I’m from the government, I know you’re here, it’s all cool, I’m from the government, you have to come back, I came here to get you, we’re going back, you gotta testify, now I came here specially to get you, it’s okay you can be your real self now. It’s okay, you gotta be yourself now. Yeah, I came here to get you. I’m from the government, and you’re gonna come back with me and testify.”

Goddamn. 

Also, I love that Byron Long doesn’t know the difference between ‘Jedidiah’ and ‘Jebidiah’ and that the director left the flub in. 

Jedidiah says he needs to get his stuff, so Mila says to get it and meet her back there. Jedidiah heads indoors and is greeted by Emma Sr. who says she’s never seen one that’s “as big as a horse”, which is what Emma Jr. said. Apparently there’s been some mother-daughter gossip about their houseguest’s dick size. Emma Sr. drops to her knees and starts choking on dick. Everything is going swimmingly until Samuel bursts in. He’s initially furious, but then explains that “here in Pennsylvania” they “join in”, and with that, the second threesome kicks off. It’s fine. Emma Sr.’s pubes are shaved into a neat landing strip, which I wasn’t aware the Amish were into, but then again, I’ve never kept up with Amish pubic hair guidelines. Emma Sr. also has a tramp stamp, which is even more verboten than jewellery, but we’ve fairly well established that this film is playing fast and loose with accuracy. (I guess technically, she might have acquired the tramp stamp during Rumspringa).

Things end the way they normally do, and we cut back outside to Mila, Brandon Iron, Mike Vega, and an unidentified male porn star. Mila has evidently gotten carried away in her undercover role and they proceed to have a nice old-fashioned Amish gangbang. 

Mila: “Nice Amish cum, nice Amish tornado!”
Brandon Iron: “Ahh, the gods are angry! We’ve sinned, we’ve sinned, let’s go, to the barn, let’s go!”

God, not gods.

We cut inside to Samuel and Emma Sr. at the dinner table. Emma says that it’s okay, most men of his age have this problem.

Samuel: “No, it’s not okay! I’m Amish! And the Amish can fuck twice as hard as the English! Now come here and suck my dick, you dirty whore!”

Who said romance is dead? 

We get some fairly standard knob-slobbing as we see an overhead vent indicative of some electric central air system, which is not allowed under the Amish traditions:

We also see an electric crock pot, a toaster oven, and a fridge in the background, which, again: the Amish don’t have fucking electricity in their houses. This is not that hard. 

Eventually Emma Sr. wants him to fuck her in the ass, and suggests he uses the cantaloupe as ‘Nature’s Lube’, which, shockingly, is only the second-most disgusting use of cantaloupe I’ve had the misfortunate to witness in a sexually charged video. Samuel empties cantaloupe juice and seeds over her asshole and, after multiple false starts, manages to fuck her in the butt.

Eventually he blows his load all over her face, and tells her to chase it with a shot of cantaloupe juice:

Emma Sr: “Kiss me, my dear.”
Samuel: “I would dear, but it’s against my religion.”

We get a quick shot of Elly Mae running naked through a field. She screams “Thank you, Jedidiah! I’m an Amish slut, and I love it!” and then we fade out to black. 

Well. This was fucking terrible.

Kissing: No