This one is 2011’s ‘Here Cums The President’. We get a title card, which I appreciate, and opening credits, which I also appreciate, while ‘Hail To The Chief’ plays. There’s a conspicuous and unsubtle shot of the Washington Monument and fade in on Evan Stone smoking a pipe and chewing the scenery:
He explains that a lot of stories have been told about the USA and her Presidents. Some of them are not true:
Evan: “Truth be told, I did not chop down that cherry tree as a young adult. Well, not exactly that way. You see, it was in my barely legal years, and Cherry was not a tree. Cherry was the most beautiful and fairest maiden of all the Virginia land.”
We fade in on Mr. Pete (evidently the young Washington) and Tori Black dressed in old-timey clothes and they start summiting Mt. Vernon Fuck Mountain without missing a beat. It’s fine, I guess. There’s no plot or dialogue to speak of, and Tori doesn’t bother with any period-specific talk so it’s your standard “Oh God” and “Oh fuck” and “Fuck my pussy!”
We cut back to Evan’s George Washington, who is narrating to bridge each of the scenes together.
Evan: “I have to say, it’s good to be the President. Just ask ol’ FDR! I remember watching it from up here like it was just yesterday.”
Ah yes, a terrible reminder that many people believe those who have died and are up in heaven are watching your every move. Sorry, Grandma.
We move on to a pretty good-looking set and an excellent old-timey wheelchair:
Lucy Mercer (Phoenix Marie) tells Franklin Delano Roosevelt (Tommy Gunn, repeat offender) she’s afraid if they fuck again, she’ll fall off. FDR tells her she “has nothing to fear but fear itself”!
FDR: “This is last call, all aboard!”
Lucy: “Where are we going?”
FDR: “Hershey, Pennsylvania!”
Lucy: “Mmm, I love chocolate.”
FDR: “Good, because I’m about to pack some fudge!”
Great way to proposition anal.
After some fellatio Lucy hauls FDR out of the wheelchair, tosses him on the couch and they smash. It’s not terribly interesting, although I appreciate that they commit to the bit and FDR basically acts like his legs don’t work properly the entire time. FDR also says “A day that will live in infamy!” right as he enters her ass, which is pretty solid, but really, they should have had Lucy say ‘I want you to sneak attack my Pearl Harbor’ before does it. Missed opportunities galore. Eventually things end the way we normally do and we move on to JFK.
Evan: “Even though his tenure was too short, I believe the time he spent in the White House, he did more than most Presidents do in their whole life.”
We get a shot of Marilyn Monroe (Diamond Foxxx) entering and climbing onto JFK’s (Rocco Reed, repeat offender) bed.
Evan: “See what I mean?”
Marilyn: “Well. What do you want to do, Mr….President?”
JFK: “Ask not what I can do for you, but what you can do for my cock.”
They get down to business, and Marilyn tells his cock “Happy birthday, Mr. President” before she starts blowing him. They fuck in a variety of positions and things end the way they normally do. We get a quick scene of Evan Stone saying he was a great president at getting people to “come together”. I was hoping there would be some sort of reference to the assassination – maybe Marilyn asks when they can meet up again, and JFK would say it would be right after his trip to Dallas – but no such luck. On to LBJ!
Lyndon Johnson (Alex Night) presses a button on his desk and asks Geraldine to come in and take some dictation, which is a great proposition. Geraldine (aka Jenna Brooks) does so. I have to say, I am deeply impressed (for a porn movie) with the quality of their Oval Office set.
LBJ: “You know, I’ve been thinking for a long time, and it has occurred to me that some of my other Caucasian secretaries have had some privileges that you have not been exposed to…and I don’t think that’s right. So with some deep thought, some personal consultation, some careful consideration, and some soul-searching, I realize it is unfair that you have not been introduced to Jumbo.“
Geraldine: “Jumbo, Mr. President?”
LBJ: “That’s right, Geraldine, I’d like to introduce you to Jumbo: The Penis-in-Chief.”
I think one of my all-time favorite Presidential factoids is that LBJ named his penis Jumbo, was apparently hung like a Tijuana mule, and would frequently whip his dick out in front of the White House staff. The 1960s were a different time.
LBJ tells her to be hospitable and Geraldine says “Hello Jumbo” with her mouth full, and they’re off to the races, no pun intended. It’s fairly generic, with some tasteless lines like:
LBJ: “I’ve always wanted to come in the colored entrance.”
YIKES.
Evan: “And let’s not forget about President Nixon. Of course I’m aware some people think Dick was tricky, but let’s focus on the positive things, like his groundbreaking tour of China, and their people.”
We open on Nixon (Anthony Rosano) in a massage parlor jerking off. Kristina Rose enters, and in an aggressively offensive stereotypical Asian accent, informs him that she’s here to give him a massage.
Nixon: “You have a beauwwwwtiful culture.”
Kristina: “Mister Nixon wike it?”
Nixon: “Mr. Nixon likey like Ike-y.”
There’s not much to say about this. They run through some standard Nixon catchphrases like “I’m not a crook” and making his V for Victory signs, but they don’t make sense within the dialogue. The others (except Washington) are all in some way based on reality, so why include Nixon at all? He wasn’t known for a sex scandal? If you’re determined to shoehorn him in, why not make it Watergate Pussygate focused? You’ve got the famous Deep Throat name, you could pretend it was about a sex scandal in a hotel, you could have tapes…the possibilities are endless.
Of course, we all know they really should have made it about the Reagans, what with Nancy holding the title of Throat Goat, but I guess they lacked conviction.
Anyway, Nixon and Kristina fuck and it’s not terribly interesting. Back to George Washington!
Evan: “I’m sure the next chief of state is the most familiar with you citizens. Remember these good old days?”
He has a point, which is why it’s pretty surprising that the Clinton segment is by far the shortest on this DVD. Why? There’s all sorts of crazy shit you can do with this, and your porn-buying audience is probably more interested in seeing Monica sucking off Clinton than any of the other shit we’ve seen thus far.
We open with President Bill Clinton (James Deen) on the phone with Al Gore, holding an unlit cigar, until Monica Lewinsky (Lisa Ann) enters.
Monica: “Hey baby.”
Clinton: “Hello Monica. That’s a lovely dress you’re wearing. Why don’t you go ahead and, uh, take it off.”
James Deen’s Clinton impression is not great, but it’s about on par with any of the other impressions everyone else was doing. He takes a phone call as Monica begins fellating him. Maybe. We can’t actually see anything but her head bobbing up and down near his crotch.
Clinton: “You know, nothing we’re doing here qualifies as sex.”
Solid. And…she fellates him. I was sure we were going to get some cigar-in-the-pussy action or something, but no such luck. They do manage to aim his orgasm so he gets some jizz on her blue dress, so there’s something, but way to miss a layup. Clinton says he’s sorry, and Monica says not to worry, she’ll take it to the dry cleaners on the way home. Let’s flip to Evan to wrap things up:
Evan: “United States history is very, very, very exciting. If you’d like to learn more about the Executive Branch of our government and the political system, then consult the bibliography at the end of this feature presentation, or go to your nearest public library.”
He also reminds everyone to brush their teeth, so it’s a double whammy of practical advice for all the young people out there watching this flick.
Overall, this was an exercise in disappointment. This just felt lazy and uninspired on almost every level: shoehorn in some basic references and the most famous speech lines associated with each president without bothering to make the dialogue make sense or be clever in any way. Even the fucking is pretty uninspiring. The only scene I’d call decent is with FDR and Lucy.