This one comes to us from Virgin Stories 9, from the Year Of Our Lord 1999. We open on someone interviewing Lauren Silver. Interviewing porn stars at the beginning of scenes has been around for a long time, even outside of ostensibly reality-style casting scenes like Backroom Casting Couch. I’m not a fan. 

We learn Lauren was 19, was born in Europe (it’s cold), came to the US when she was 10, Europe was cold, she’s going to college (it’s hard) and wants to get into the medical field. We intercut this footage with her doing a moderately sexy striptease while looking extremely uncomfortable with what’s going on. Eventually things turn to her romantic history. She had one boyfriend for a couple years but they never went “all the way”. She’s a little curious about girls and has tried some stuff but has never gone “all the way”. Shocker, for a scene in a DVD called VIRGIN STORIES. 

On the one hand, this would be a lot more interesting if I had any confidence that anything Lauren was saying was actually true, rather than being scripted, on the other hand, that still wouldn’t make any of this all that interesting. 

Interviewer: “Do you ever have any problems with professors hitting on you or anything?”
Lauren: “Occasionally, they’re a little too nice to me, compared to the other students I feel, and if it makes them feel better and gets me a higher grade than that’s okay, so…”
Interviewer: “Might tease a little bit?”
Lauren: “Yeah, just a little – just overly nice.”

Fair enough. 

Five minutes into this fifteen-minute scene, the interviewer gets down to brass tacks:

Interviewer: “Most important question now: tell us your Virgin Tale. Little story about the first time.”
Lauren: “Well, it was a little weird what happened, happened when I least expected it. It occurred with my teacher in Bible Study class…”

With that, we cut over to Lauren and Dave Hardman sitting far too close together on a couch reading a Bible: 

Dave: “Remember, where there are no oxen, the manger is clean.”
Lauren (V.O.): “Well, I used to have trouble learning in class, so he used to come over to my apartment building and help me learn the Scripture, Mr. Bigelow was a like a second dad to me. He always was there for me when I went…away to college. He was deeply worried, about my spiritual needs. Anyway, one afternoon he came over to my apartment, and my roommate was out of town. He seemed to be upset…about something.”

These lines, as written, are so terrible even Meryl Streep would struggle with selling them, and unfortunately, our dear, sweet Lauren Silver is no Meryl Streep. I’ve seen Al-Qaeda hostages read their death sentences with more confidence and clarity than Lauren mangling this paragraph. 

Lauren: “Mr. Bigelow, you seem to be upset?”
Dave: “Well, should I be, my child?”
Lauren (V.O.): “Mr. Bigelow always put things that way, to let you kind of decide, what’s right or wrong for yourself. I couldn’t think of doing anything that bad, except when my boyfriend had tried to touch my Special Private Spot, but I couldn’t figure it out, how Mr. Bigelow had found out about me.”

First, I should just note that every time we get Lauren’s voiceover there’s an audible hiss in room noise and the background sound change because apparently they decided to record her V.O. next to the fucking freeway. Second, how is a question about whether or not Mr. Bigelow is upset have anything to do with deciding what is right and wrong? Finally, even if we accept the premise that it would be Naughty for Lauren’s boyfriend to touch her Special Private Spot, it’s not like Lauren said she gave him permission. For all we know this asshole just tried to grab her by the pussy. 

Lauren: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be so naughty.”
Dave: “What are you sorry for, child?”
Lauren: “I’m sorry about my boyfriend touching me in my private area. God I feel so naughty.”
Dave: “It’s not up to me to be your conscience, Lauren. But how do you feel about it?”
Lauren (V.O.): “When he said that, I felt like I did a bad sin.”

Uh…why? I mean, a lifetime of deep religious guilt, sure, but fucking why? Like, if that’s the angle you’re leaning into for this porno, why not go for that? Have Lauren narrate about how ‘I felt guilty about how much I’d enjoyed my boyfriend touching me, and so naughty, because I knew I wasn’t doing what my parents and God expected of me.’ Something. Anything! This is not that fucking hard! Instead, Lauren just shits the bed. 

Lauren: “What should I do, Mr. Bigelow?”
Dave: “Well, when you were a child and you would do something wrong, what would happen?”
Lauren: “Well, I’d get a spanking. Please help me be a good girl, Mr. Bigelow.”
Dave: “Would you like me to spank you, Lauren?”

If we had immediately gotten another Lauren V.O. where she said ‘My plan was working perfectly. I was about to get a spanking from the hottest Bible teacher in school’ this would be my favorite porno ever. We are not so lucky.

Lauren: “Yes, Mr. Bigelow, I’ve been naughty, very naughty.”

So they head into the bedroom and she sorta lies on her side and Dave ‘spanks’ her, by which I mean he gently places his palm against her thigh a few times. You know how a mother will take a damp cloth and wipe some baby formula off her newborn’s chin? That’s about four times as violent as Dave’s candy-ass so-called spanking. Give me a fucking break. 

Dave asks if she’s having impure thoughts, and it turns out she totally is. Dave says it’s no big deal: he usually handles her spiritual needs, but now it’s time for him to handle her physical needs. So they fuck in two or three uncreative positions and eventually he bricks all over her ass. He then proceeds to vigorously smack his penis against her right ass-cheek.

Dave: “Yes, and now I’ll give you the spanking your father should have given you long ago!”

Holy christ. What a load of shit.  

Kissing: No

Oral Sex Reciprocity Scale:

• Fellatio: 0:58
• Cunnilingus: 0:57

Interesting.