Shockingly, most of what’s discussed here at Stupid Porn Plots is pretty, well, stupid. It’s kind’ve the overarching theme of the site.
As I’ve written before, I tend to dislike most porn parodies, because they tend to just be outfit stuff that violates the Second Commandment. They spend a little money on the costumes, sew porn stars into them, say a few catchphrases, have sweaty, rubbery costume sex, and put as little effort into it as possible.
Today’s entry, 2012’s Star Wars XXX: A Porn Parody (from director Axel Braun, who specializes in these) is none of those things. It’s a legitimately great porn parody, with multiple laugh-out-loud moments, better-than-expected special effects, and, critically, THEY LEAVE THE FUCKING OUTFITS ON. If you want to watch someone dressed as Princess Leia summit Fuck Mountain, this is your movie, unless you were hoping for the metal bikini, in which case this isn’t your movie, but hey, beggars can’t be choosers.
I’m not going to go through this movie and recap it scene by scene, because first, it’s two and a half hours long, second, outside of the fucking and the jokes, it’s practically a shot-for-shot remake of Star Wars: A New Hope, and third: if you like this sort of thing, you really should experience it for yourself. You can find a copy at an extremely affordable price via the fine folks over at IAFD who link to many reputable sources of pornographic materials, and if that’s not your jam, you can probably find a DVD down at the local smut shop. Instead, I’m just going to ramble through a few highlights and bitch about some standard silliness.
We open on the famous text scrawl, which is pretty standard, except there’s a reference to Admiral Thrawn, which should tell you something immediately: whoever wrote this knows their Star Wars and actually gave a shit, and you can tell. The opening music is the type that’s just different enough that they wouldn’t be successfully sued by LucasFilm or even Disney, but it’s solid enough.
The special effects for this are…well, they’re not great, but they’re also better than most pornos have any right to be. They’re considerably better than the terrible effects in Pirates.
The opening sequence plays out pretty much exactly the way as it does in A New Hope, except the stormtroopers are ladies wearing white plastic…codpieces, I guess?
Vader shows up, looking great, and we get our first taste of the Imperial March theme. Strike what I said earlier about the music: this absolutely could get them successfully sued by LucasFilm / Disney. Since they weren’t, I’m assuming the powers that be figured fuck it, let’s not Streisand Effect this, just let it go.
The first sex scene is a blowjob between Princess Leia (played by Allie Haze) and Darth Vader (Lexington Steele), although it’s during their ‘interrogation’ scene and doesn’t really make any sense, plot-wise. I mean, it’s good to see them commit to the incest plotline so early, but also, Vader is Black, and the Princess is, how to say, not?
You know how occasionally during a blowjob scene they’ll do that thing that nobody likes where they’ll cut to a close-up of the male talent’s face as he moans in pleasure? They do that here, except, of course, they’re cutting to Darth Vader’s expressionless mask while Lexington moans in his best James Earl Jones impression. It’s that kind of attention to detail that netted them 5 wins at the 2013 AVNs.
Just a suggestion, though: give your characters a reason why they start fucking. Like, have Vader come in and threaten Princess Leia, and Leia can suggest there’s a better way to pass the time and try to seduce Vader, even if she’s ultimately unsuccessful at distracting him.
Later, after the Sandpeople knock Luke out, Obi-Wan shows up, played by the legendary Tom Byron, lured out of retirement for one last…fuck job. He does a little Jedi mind trick on the sexy female Tusken Raider, who turns out to be Jennifer White, and they summit Fuck Desert on the hood of Luke’s landspeeder, which feels a little disrespectful:
Jennifer spends the sex scene switching back and forth between normal human moaning and attempting a guttural Tusken sex growl, which she never manages to quite pull off, but it’s also the only real attempt at bringing some characterization to the fucking in this movie, so hat tip to her. After Obi-Wan unleashes his midi-chlorians all over her face, she growls at him and sprints off, buck-ass naked.
Obi-wan: “That is very much the tale of my love life. Oh well.”
The scene in the Mos Eisley cantina plays out more or less as it does in the original, except for an extended lesbian scene between the Tonnika sisters (Kimberly Kane and Aiden Ashley) on one of the bar tables, which everyone seems to just take in stride.
I’m kinda impressed they’re upping the ante this early with twincest, although this sex scene doesn’t really add anything to the plot. Eventually things progress with Danny Wylde fucking a Twi-lek (Rihanna Rimes) and Gia DiMarco fucking a heavily tattooed Devaronian (Derrick Pierce):
They switch partners a couple times, and both girls do their best to out-moan each other, which is not ideal. Eventually Han Solo shoots Greedo in highly justified self-defense. The film makes a few jokes throughout about this, which I appreciate. It’s not murder if you shoot someone while they have a gun pointed at you and they’re threatening to kill you, George, you ignorant slut.
Eventually they all take off from Tatooine. Things play out much the same as they do in the original – Luke practices his lightsaber skills, the Empire destroys Alderaan, the Millennium Falcon gets snared in a tractor beam and hauled into the Death Star, yadda yadda yadda. After Obi-Wan wanders off to disable the tractor beam, the droids discover Princess Leia is aboard the Death Star. Luke talks Han into attempting a rescue by assuring him that she’s rich and “really, really hot”, which is only slightly more tasteless than the original where he just says she’s rich.
Han instructs Chewbacca to “take care” of the troopers and they walk out. Chewie’s plan is to take out his very human-looking penis and start jerking off. Eventually the two sexy stormtroopers come in, see a giant hairball masturbating, and immediately decide to engage in interspecies erotica. They take their helmets off, revealing Brandy Aniston and Eve Laurence.
After the threesome reaches its explosive climax, we cut away to Darth Vader talking to Tarkin, and then cut back to Han and Luke, who have taken the slutty stormtroopers outfits and are arguing over whether their plan will work. I guess we’re supposed to infer that either they knocked the sexy stormtroopers out and stole their outfits, or maybe the sexy stormtroopers fell blissfully asleep after experiencing that Wookiee dick.
They rescue Princess Leia, and just as I was hoping this would take a turn into some weird hentai garbage compactor tentacle porn, instead they just land in a clothes dryer. Darth Vader kills Obi-Wan, they escape, and from there, things play out more or less as they do in the original, with a shot-by-shot remake of the entire Death Star trench run. It’s not great, but this is porn, so it’s…serviceable. Finally we reach the climax, if you will, of the entire film.
Luke: “I thought there was going to be a celebration?”
Leia: “We are celebrating.”
Luke: “I’ve never kissed a girl before. Except for Aunt Beru.”
Leia: “How about I show you how to kiss a girl you aren’t related to?”
Luke: “Well, I’m not really related to anybody. I’m an orphan.”
Leia: “I’m an orphan too. So, since we’re not related to each other…”
They share a passionate twincest kiss, and because Leia is that type of girl, she almost immediately tags Han in, and the three of them get their fuck on.
It’s pretty solid, I guess. Probably better if you really like the idea of blood-related twins who don’t know they’re twins having unprotected sex, which statistically, a significant portion of humanity is into, so way to scratch that itch. I think my only complaint would be that much like the rest of the fucking, once the fucking starts, that’s it, you’re just watching generic costume sex. I mean, this is fucking Star Wars, commit to the bit? Like, start out by having Luke unable to get an erection, so he’s jerking it, and then space ghost Obi-Wan can say “Use less force, Luke!” Or have Han say ‘You like that, Princess?’ and Leia can say ‘It’s almost like fucking a Wookiee’ and Han could retort ‘I can arrange that!’
Anyway. That’s it. We never see the droids fuck, which is the only major critique I have. If I was a gambling man, I would have bet money on there being a scene where R2-D2 opens a slot, a massive dildo comes out, and he fucks someone, and I would have lost money.