We open on Adam Wood sitting in bed reading a bedtime story – Goldilocks and the Three Bears, to be precise – to Regan Starr (repeat offender). And I am immediately and profoundly uncomfortable.

See, I’m just guessing here, but I think Regan is going to end up getting fucked at some point in the next twenty-one minutes and thirty-two seconds, and I’m really, really hoping her character is intended to be at least eighteen years of age. Which raises the obvious question: what type of eighteen-year-old has her father read Goldilocks and the Three Bears to her at night? Are we looking at some sort of arrested development situation? Are the filmmaker’s implying she’s maybe not quite all there? Neither of these sound good.

Regan: “Daddy, thank you so much for reading me that bedtime story. It’s so nice after all these years that you still can read me stories.”
Adam: “Well, you’re never too big for your daddy to read you a bedtime story.”

He kisses her on the forehead, stands up, and immediately freaks out because something has been torn in half on the floor.

Adam: “Oh my god! The doll I brought you back from Russia! Look at this! Who did this?”
Regan: “I didn’t do it, Daddy! Rock Hard Ed did.”
Adam: “Rock Hard Ed? Your imaginary friend again? I thought we finished this ten years ago. I can’t believe this.”
Regan: “I’m sorry Daddy! I’ll tell him to be more careful next time.”
Adam: “Regan, there’s no such thing as Rock Hard Ed. You’re eighteen years old now, and I want you to quit making things up. You’re too old for this.”

Okay. Circle up. Take a knee. If your eight-year-old daughter – strike that. If your daughter of any age has an ‘imaginary friend’ that has the words ‘Rock Hard’ as part of their name, you need to fucking do something about that shit. I’m talking nanny cams. I’m talking bear traps. I’m talking FBI. People don’t name themselves Rock Hard because they have abs. 

Eventually Adam leaves and Regan mutters to herself about how Rock Hard Ed is like, totally real, and drifts off to sleep.  A quick crossfade later and Michael J. Cox, dressed like a leprechaun, starts leaping around the bed while cartoon sound effects play. 

Michael – or Rock Hard Ed, I guess – tears up her doll and they argue a bit. He tells her that she’s gotten “really big” while staring at her chest. 

Rock Hard Ed: “You’ve really changed. You’ve changed a lot!”
Regan: “I know. I’ve gotten breasts now.”
Rock Hard Ed: “So I see.”

Rock Hard Ed honks her left breasts and a sound effect like a bicycle horn plays. I am…not a fan. 

Regan: “I’m eighteen years old!”
Rock Hard Ed: “That means you must fiddle with yourself.”
Regan: “Fiddle? What do you mean, fiddling?”
Rock Hard Ed: “Fiddle with yourself! You know, fiddle!”

There’s nothing I hate more than someone repeating the exact same word to someone else who doesn’t understand, in lieu of an explanation. But Rock Hard Ed mimes jerking off under the covers, and we get high-pitched BOING sound effects with each stroke. Regan is confused and wonders why the blanket is getting taller. 

Rock Hard Ed reveals – surprise – a pretty flaccid penis, but he grabs Regan’s hand and puts it on his dick. Regan puts up some token horrified resistance but gives in almost immediately. Eventually this progresses to him showing her how to jerk off. He continues to overexaggerate and use a creepy weird inflection on his voice, like adults do in children’s shows, which reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally adds to the creepiness level. 

So. They fuck in a variety of positions. It’s not terribly interesting, except:

Regan: “Oh yeah, Fred. Ted – Ed! Whatever the fuck your name is.”

No second takes. 

A bit later.

Regan: “Oh my god. You’re rock hard, Ed! Rock…hard…Ed? Now I know why they call you that!”

Full circle. 

Eventually things end the way they normally do, and we crossfade to Regan lying asleep – albeit naked – muttering “Rock Hard Ed” aloud to herself. She hears Adam Wood come barging along the hall and grabs the blanket to quickly cover herself. 

Adam: “What’s going on in here? What’s this mess? What’s happening? You better go to sleep!”
Regan: “Okay, Daddy.”

She rolls over to drift off to sleep, but not before she sensually licks her lips, as if she could still taste the penis colada, and we fade mercifully to white. 

So what’s the lesson here? I guess it’s possible that Rock Hard Ed is just a figment of her imagination, a way for Regan – who is clearly being infantilized by her overbearing father – to explore her own sexuality. It might explain why he behaved like such a fucking idiot and was dressed like a leprechaun. 

Or maybe Rock Hard Ed was a creepy childhood neighbor who was at least smart enough to wait until Regan was 18 before making his move. 

That would be terrible, but I think the truth lies in Rock Hard Ed’s name. You see, Regan got his name confused. That was the subtle hint the filmmakers put in to let us know that his name is NOT actually Ed. Rock Hard. Ed. Rock Har. Ded. ROCK. HARD. DAD. 

It was Adam Wood’s character all along. It’s always the fucking incest. That’s why he never reported this to the feds.

Kissing: No

Oral Sex Reciprocity Scale:

• Fellatio: 2:58
• Cunnilingus: 0:23