From time to time I find some wacky shit that, while being appropriately stupid and / or entertaining, isn’t really meaty enough for it to get its own post here on Stupid Porn Plots. So, when that happens, I’m going to make a note of it, and then every so often you’ll get an Odds and Ends post that will just have a bunch of random bits and pieces or weird shit I’ve stumbled across in a grab-bag sort of update. They won’t be thematically connected in any way and you may find that irritating, let me know in the comments.
- The Janitor
Our first scene comes from Detention Whores. We open on Marty Romano dressed in coveralls reading what appears to be a sexy exploit from someone’s diary describing a woman coming on a dude’s mouth, then asking to suck his cock. He tosses the diary aside in disgust and mutters “Pervert!” Well, you were the one reading it.
Later, Alexis Malone (repeat offender) enters and asks to check the Lost and Found for her missing book.
Marty: “What kind of book?”
Alexis: “It’s a trig book. Short for trigonometry.”
Marty: “I know what it’s short for!”
Alexis: “You do?”
Marty: “Look, you think that just because I’m a janitor here I’m some kind of dummy? I go to law school at night, and one of these days I’m going to be a great criminal defense attorney and defend little girls like you who get busted by DUIs and drug possession charges!”
We’re really delving into this guy’s backstory. Marty rants for a bit, but eventually brings it around to the fact that if she wants her trigonometry book back, she needs to give him something – her ass!
Alexis: “Mr. Milner, I could get you fired for that.”
Marty: “I don’t think so! You see, I have a key to every lock in this place. I’ve been in your locker. I’ve read your diary.”
Alexis: “You’ve read my diary! You can’t do that!”
Marty: “I can and I did! I read everything. I know all about the Baseball Bat Incident.”
This, much to my dismay, will not be expanded on or explained in every way, but holy shit that’s a great fucking line. Also: yeah, you really shouldn’t fuck with janitors or receptionists. They hold the keys to the castle.
Alexis: “So just because you read my diary you think you can fuck me?”
Marty: “Yeah, I do.”
Alexis: “Well, just this once. If I fail this test I’ll never get into college.”
That’s solid, all the way around. Although…the diary he was reading at the beginning was clearly written from a dude’s perspective, so it wouldn’t have been Alexis’ diary. Why not connect those two things together and have a couple dark hints about what REALLY happened in the Baseball Bat Incident? This script needed another pass.
- The Virgin’s Threesome
Then there’s a scene from Don’t Tell Mommy 6, where Faith Leon and Dick Nasty have a threesome with an inflatable sex doll.
First, one of the benefits of being in porn is you get to pick your porn stage name. Don’t pick Dick Nasty, please and thank you. Second, I always figured that inflatable sex dolls were for people who couldn’t find other people who wanted to fuck them. The last time it sort’ve kind’ve made sense in that Johnny Thrust was miserable and lonely and and was fucking his inflatable cow, met a young psychopath who spent too much time on the farm watching horses fuck, and this transitioned into a threeway. In this one, it’s just a threesome from the jump, and honestly, both Dick and Faith seem way more into the sex doll than they are each other.
On the other hand, it’s not every day you get to see a man and a woman with a strap-on double penetrate a sex doll.
That being said, there’s no plot to speak of, so there’s really not much else to discuss, let’s move on.
- Girl Scouts
If you’re going to make Girl Scout-themed incest porn, I would suggest, instead, you not. Actually, you can forget about the incest, I really think the bigger problem is the Girl Scouts. Yeah, I know, technically you can be a Girl Scout at the age of 18, but we all know what the implication is. Stop it.
Anyway – if you ignore this, and you do proceed with your Girl Scout-themed incest porn, obviously you would name the box of cookies Cumalongs.
- #FreeBritney
We open on Britney Spears, played by Kenzie Taylor, lying on her bed writing a note that says S.O.S. #FreeBritney. This one came out in 2021 and was obviously trying to jump on the hot, sexy story of Britney attempting to free herself from her controlling father’s conservatorship and the parasocial relationship many fans have with celebrities.
Her father, played by Jack Vegas, bangs on the door and comes in, accompanied by Jessica Ryan, but not before Britney hides her SOS note inside her bra. Britney says she’s kinda over the schoolgirl outfit, but her parents say that she looks great. Apparently her new manager is coming over. They head down to the living room, where there’s a knock at the door, but instead of the new manager, it’s Ziggy Star, who charges into the room waving a Free Britney sign. She gives Britney a hug but in the process knocks the SOS note out of Britney’s bra. Jack quickly hustles Ziggy back out of the room.
Jack: “Have you forgot to take your medication again?”
Britney: “No, they just make me sleepy.”
Jack: “Honey, I think we have to up Britney’s dosage, apparently she’s delusional again.”
Uh-oh.
Her manager (Nathan Bronson) bustles in and rambles about how they’re going to be re-launching Britney’s career to new heights. With her parents’ blessing, he and Britney go into the bedroom to get to know each other. He has Britney do some very basic dance moves, then explains that she might have to show some skin, get all cozy with different producers, executives, etc on her way back to the top.
One thing leads to another and he has her start rubbing his junk:
Britney: “Oops, I’m doing it again.”
I hope you found that clever because they’ll repeat that joke another seven or eight times.
He gets the dick out, and Britney expresses some reservations:
Nathan: “Do you want to be famous? Do you want to go places, get out from under your dad!”
She does, so he has her sing “Oh baby baby” with his penis as a microphone in a pretty solid Britney Spears impression.
That’s about it. They summit Fuck Mountain and there’s a bit more dialogue about how she’ll be rich and famous and be on cereal boxes and shit, but it’s not terribly interesting. Also, the filmmakers seem to think that Britney has been stuck inside her house doing nothing during the conservatorship, rather than working and touring the world. At any rate, I think they’re on board with Britney freeing herself, she just has to obviously sexually gratify her new manager and then continue to dole out sexual favors to sleazy producers and corporate executives to get back to worldwide stardom. That’s a…bold choice?
Eventually things end the way they normally do, and right on cue, her father and mother come around the corner and are delighted to see their daughter dripping with her new manager’s cum.
Jack: “Britney, I told you, this would be great for your career!”
Britney: “Whatever you say, dad.”
YIKES.
- Good Vibrations
Apparently, if you strum your bass while your sexy stepsister sits on your amp, the vibrations will be so intense she will soak right through her panties AND her Daisy Dukes. Word is still out of the visible puddle she leaves behind will short something out.
