This one comes to us from the fine folks over at PureTaboo. We open on Siri Dahl white-knuckling a pillow while Lena Paul brings her some medication.

Lena: “How’s my girl?”
Siri: “Um…nervous.”
Lena: “Well, that’s natural. Let’s go over the plan. I’ve known Jordan since college, and he’s exactly the type of guy that we need. He’s smart – handsome but not too handsome – respectful. We cannot do another round of IVF. We cannot afford it after you failed the last one. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said failed. That was weird. But you know that it was heartbreaking, not knowing. And this time if there are any complications, he’s right down the street from us.”

Okay. Got it. Lesbian couple, IVF has failed, they’re poor despite living in a fucking gorgeous mansion, and they’re going to try insemination…the old-fashioned way? Siri, however, does not look happy. 

Lena: “Do you…do you want me to do it?”
Siri: “What? No no no. I want to do it.”
Lena: “Because maybe if you can’t…I understand.”
Siri: “I can do it. I can do it.
Lena: “Well, you know I want you to do it.”
Siri: “I want to do it. This is really important to me…I’m just nervous.”
Lena: “It’s okay. You’re going to be such a good mom. Our baby is gonna have your laugh…and your horrible rhythm…and your perfect smile.”

On cue, there’s a knock at the door, and Lena gets up to go answer it, leaving Siri in a twisted ball of anxiety at the foot of the bed.

We’re only two and half minutes in this porno, and I can already tell that Siri Dahl is probably the best actor we’ve ever had here at Stupid Porn Plots. I wasn’t really familiar with her prior work, so I checked out a handful of them, and she’s definitely a solid actor on a porn grade, but her performance here is head and shoulders above anything else I’ve seen her in. Which helps confirm my working theory: porn acting is generally bad because porn actors don’t care about or practise acting; that being said, with a competent director (looking at you, Bree Mills) you can get a very, very solid performance out of even an average actor. Or maybe just be willing to do more than one take. 

We get a title card (Third Wheel) which I appreciate, and cut over to the door where Lena is letting Troy Francisco inside. They greet each other warmly, exchange pleasantries, and Lena leads him in to meet Siri, who is a little cold. 

Troy: “She mentioned that…you uh…you wanted…to do, uh…”
Lena: “Well, we decided that since [Siri] doesn’t have the same work schedule as me, and she’s always been so invested in being a mother, we decided that the first one at least should definitely be her. Right honey?”
Siri: “Yep.”

WHOA. You invited Troy over to fuck a child into you but you didn’t even tell him which one he’d be fucking first? Communication breakdown right there. They all share an awkward silence for a minute.

Lena: “Well, should we…just…get started?”

Troy goes to one side of the room and strips down while Lena helps Siri undress. 

Troy: “You…you all right?”
Siri: “Yeah.”
Troy: “May I take you to bed?”
Siri: “Mmmhmm.”

Consent! It’s important. 

Siri lays down but still looks nervous, Troy asks if he can get her a pillow or something, but Siri jumps up and rushes into the bathroom. After a moment, Lena follows. They have a nice check in on the bathroom floor. Siri is still concerned and nervous about going through with fucking a dude, but Lena has an idea.

Lena: “Would it be okay if maybe you and I were intimate first, so it feels like it’s an ‘us’ thing and he’s just an auxiliary?”

Siri thinks this idea is worth trying, so after some more checking in and kissing, they come back in to find Troy getting dressed.

Troy: “You wanted me to leave, right?”
Lena: “Oh, not at all. Sorry, we just decided it would be best for [Siri] if we had a moment to ourselves, you could just sit right here for a second.”

Troy’s fine with this so he sits down and the girls jump on the bed and start passionately making out. They fuck while Troy edges in the corner. It’s solid, as fucking goes. Eventually Lena beckons Troy over, and he climbs on the bed.

Troy: “Can I touch you, is that okay?”
Siri: “Yeah.”

CONSENT. IT’S NOT HARD, GUYS. 

Siri: “I’m gonna keep my eyes closed for a bit, just don’t take it personal.”

Okay, that’s fucking hilarious. 

So they fuck, and they really commit to the bit, and it works. I mean, technically, in real life you’d probably do the whole jerk-off-in-a-turkey-baster method, and even if for some reason you were so crunchy you wanted The Real Thing, you’d have the sperm donor jerk off in the corner until he was two strokes away from orgasm, but this is porn, so they have to fudge the details. Still, it’s fairly committed: they don’t have Siri change her mind halfway through and go full nymphomaniac, she focuses basically all of her attention on Lena and pretty much ignores Troy the stunt cock. 

So things are going swimmingly until Lena has a bright idea: she’ll have Troy fuck her instead for a bit, kinda going back and forth, to reduce the effort on Siri’s part. It’s a brilliant idea since Lena is clearly much more comfortable with fucking a dude. In fact, it almost would have made more sense to just have Troy fuck Lena for 9/10ths of the way and then hotswap over to Siri right before the big finish, but also, I suspect Lena may have ulterior motives. 

They fuck and everyone seems to be more or less enjoying themselves, Lena mentions that their doctor said that if Siri enjoyed the experience she’d be more likely to conceive, and eventually they tell Troy hey, any time now, let’s get this creampie on. All of a sudden Lena suggests that she tag herself back in to make it go faster and climbs aboard. Siri’s a little confused but tells them to let her know when Troy’s close so she can jump back on it. 

After a minute Troy’s like, yo, I’m about to pop, but Lena is too focused on her own orgasm or something, and wouldn’t you know it, he comes in the wrong lesbian. Siri is fucking PISSED. 

Troy, sensing danger, leaps up from between them, gathers his belongings, and (presumably) sprints out of the room, while Lena offers a weak justification:

Lena: “I’m so sorry. You’ll just have to…reschedule? I – I didn’t know that he was – that – I guess it’s just been a while since I, uh, had sex with a man?”

Siri is having none of it, and sits in a white-hot ball of condensed lesbian rage while Lena kisses her shoulder and apologises some more and we fade out to black. 

Overall? Pretty solid. It’s at least a little bit contrived to get the ending, but given the dialogue at the beginning, with Lena offering to do it, I have to suspect this was Lena’s plan all along: pretend it was just to help out Siri (who is clearly not into dudes) and then jump in last minute and steal all that sweet sweet cum. I think Siri suspects the same. Lena’s betrayal does undercut some of the points earned earlier with having proper consent. If you have an agreement for Troy to ejaculate inside Siri you can’t just clamp on last minute. 

They did make a sequel, where Siri has left Lena, and she goes to a very sketchy sperm doctor wearing a Dr. B Mills name tag who loads her up with baby batter like filling a Japanese schoolgirl with milk. 

I didn’t find it terribly interesting, however, so that’s where we’ll end things.