We open on Sarah Vandella sitting on her bed (shoes on, because I know it upsets some people) pretending to read a book. It’s The Eye of the I, by David Hawkins, shout out to the Hawk! 

After a moment Donny Sins walks by and pokes his head in.

Donny: “Oh hi, Mrs. Vandella! How are you doing?”
Sarah: “Oh hi Donny, wonderful, come on in! I could use a break from this book. Shut the door, will you?”

Shout out to the Hawk!

Sarah: “You know it’s really nice to see you, I know you’ve taken to my daughter, and, I’m really happy you’ve been hanging out with her and keeping her out of trouble. Hahahah!”
Donny: “The relationship’s been going well, so, I’ve been keeping her out of trouble, we’ve been getting along really well, so….”
Sarah: “That’s lovely to hear. You know, I’m actually really glad you’ve come up here, because I’ve been talking to my daughter and uh, she mentioned that you had some new suggestions, so I wanted to see – was – was there anything you maybe brought up to her that you wanted to try, an activity perhaps?”
Donny: “No, I don’t think so.”
Sarah: “Well, she did bring up to me that you may have mentioned anal sex with her, and it brought some concern because, you know, she is not as experienced as some of the other girls you’ve dated, and I hear through the grapevine that you are rather well-endowed, and I’d be so terrified if anything happened to her. You know what I’m saying? Donny. Have you ever put your penis in a woman’s asshole?” 
Donny: “Uh…no, I haven’t, I’ve looked it up a few times, you know, but only in videos and on the internet.”
Sarah: “Mmm. This is exactly what I thought. And so – this is why I want to tell you, I’m just going to tell you. I don’t want you straying from my daughter, and I certainly don’t want you straying from this household in search of an asshole. An asshole that wants to be fucked, and needs, needs to be fucked, Donny, that’s really the main part here, when it wants it, there’s no stopping what can happen between two people. It’s an endless experience of anal delight. Now, with that being said, I would like to be the one to possibly introduce you to anal sex – being that you’ve only seen it on the internet and stuff. Whaddaya say?”

I usually hate it when porn stars improvise, and I’m sure Sarah had a few bullet points memorized or maybe cue cards taped to Donny’s chest like Marlon Brando in The Godfather, but holy Christ this is some of the funniest dialogue I’ve ever heard in my life. 

Sarah: “Just think about it for a second. A willing and open asshole that just yearns for your cock to fill. I mean, that’s special! An asshole, Donny, needs to be prepared to be injected. Case in point. Give me your finger. C’mon, give me your finger. First you lick, then you stick.”

Sarah slurps on Donny’s finger and slides in directly into her rectum. And, c’mon, porn movie, you were doing so well. You were almost making a great point about properly preparing assholes, and now you’re pretending human saliva makes an effective anal lubricant. Pull it together! 

After a bit Sarah directs him to take his jacket off, and she does that sexy thing where she licks the front of his jeans where his bulge is, which, maybe it’s just me, but that’s fucking gross, you have no idea where those jeans have been. 

Sarah starts sucking Donny’s sizable cock. She shoves the book across the bed where it flies off and lands with an audible thump on the floor – shout out to the Hawk – and fellatio resumes. They have pretty generic PIV sex for a while which is fine except that Sarah won’t shut the fuck up. Eventually they decide to switch to butt stuff, so Sarah lubes up – thank Christ – and explains that he needs to go slow and first and then he can start pounding it. Needless to say, after some direct coaching on angles on the best way to wedge his dick in, Donny starts pounding pretty much immediately. So C+ for effort, I guess?  In fact, everything is going great until the door opens and Donny’s girlfriend Kylie Foxx walks in. 

Kylie: “Donny? What the fuck are you doing?”
Donny: “Um, uh…she was teaching me stuff…”
Kyle: “Teaching you what?”
Sarah: “Well, darling, I wanted to make sure your boyfriend here knew how to use his dick in all of your holes, so being a good mother I went ahead and lent him mine.”
Kylie: “Do you understand how embarrassing this is?”

I personally think I’d be more furious, rather than embarrassed.  

Sarah: “Oh, sweetheart. I’ve upset you. Come sit. This way. Don’t be sad. Come sweetie.”
Kylie: “Mom, you’re getting assfucked by my boyfriend!”
Sarah: “Sweetheart, I don’t want you to be alarmed. I don’t want this to be a shock to you, but I do have your best interests at heart. I need to make sure that Donny here knows how to use his penis properly before he can fill your perfect little holes.”

I’d also appreciate it if Sarah would use the word ‘holes’ a lot less.

Kylie: “Donny, can you quit buttfucking my mother so I can talk to her?”

He doesn’t. 

Kylie: “Mom, I’m going to need fucking therapy after this.”
Sarah: “And I will pay for it, dear.”
Kylie: “Anything that benefits you, right? I can’t believe the both of you right now.”
Sarah: “It’ll all work out, don’t you worry.”
Kylie: “Is this what you wanted?”
Donny: “Yeah…she kinda tricked me, though.”
Kylie: “I bet she did, she tries this all the fucking time!”
Sarah: “I don’t want to get in the middle of you two lovebirds, but I’m here to bridge the gap. Think of me as the bridge, and you’re the pedestrian crossing over!”

That…doesn’t make any fucking sense. 

There’s a bit more complaining until things end the way they normally do. Sarah says Donny is officially approved for Kylie’s holes, and while she might be happy now, she’ll be okay after Sarah cooks dinner. Kylie grabs Donny by the elbow, smacks him, and hauls him out of the room while berating him – so apparently they’re still together, which is shocking. Sarah lies back down on the bed and laughs maniacally, and we end on this note. 

Sarah: “To be a MILF.” 

This one, of course, is from My Wife Caught Me Assfucking Her Mother 10, despite the fact that Donny and Kylie are only dating in this scene. We dipped our toe into this series back in On A Scale Of One To Even, I Just Can’t, and while the dialogue is, by and large, a lot funnier than most porn scenes, I don’t quite get the allure. It ran for 10 releases, so clearly there are people who want to see dudes butt-fuck their wife/girlfriend’s mom and then be discovered and chewed out mid-sodomy, I just don’t quite understand why. 

Kissing: No

Oral Sex Reciprocity Scale:

• Fellatio: 3:58
• Cunnilingus: 2:06