Like most PureTaboo products, we begin with opening credits (h/t to Bree Mills) and then an opening quote from John Lennon.

We then cut to Elena Koshka and Logan Pierce (repeat offender) walking out of a restaurant. Apparently tonight will be their first night in their new place because her dad is a stickler for the rules, classic story, we’ve all been there. They get to the car, kiss passionately, and are rudely interrupted by a distant explosion. They both turn and we see – well, um…

…a giant-ass meteor shower?

We cut to black, and get the title: Future Darkly: Don’t Panic!, which makes me think someone is a Douglas Adams fan. Onscreen text helpfully informs us that we have now moved to three months later, and we get our first look at Elena, sleeping under a shitty blanket on top of a tarp, artfully done up with dirt all over her face, and, arguably, looking considerably hotter than she did in the last scene. She freaks the fuck out because Logan isn’t sleeping next to her and screams for him, but then he runs up and they embrace. 

Logan: “I was just looking for food.”
Elena: “Did you find any?”
Logan: “No, but…I saw someone, a man. In a house, just over the hill.”
Elena: “What did he look like?” 
Logan: “A person. Normal, I guess, I don’t really know.”
Elena: “What if he’s bad?”
Logan: “What if he’s good? And what if he could help us? You know, like the woman who drove us back when it first started? I just think we should talk to him and see what he knows.  Okay?”
Elena: “Okay, yeah.”

We move over to a shot through the top of a door as Logan and Elena approach the house:

They put down their ‘weapons’, aka sticks, and say they want information. The survivalist inside yells something unintelligible that might be ‘you tell me first’.  

Logan: “No electricity.”
Elena: “No satellites or GPS.”
Logan: “We think maybe it was an asteroid or something. We think it’s been two, maybe three months?”

The survivalist (wearing a gas mask, which explains why I can’t fucking understand him) comes out and says that he heard it was a nuclear blast, and he’s only met 13 other people. He wants some water, so Logan pours some of their nasty-ass drainage water piss into his glass.

The survivalist immediately chugs it, then demands Logan’s watch. After some dithering, Logan hands it over.

Logan: “That was my grandfather’s watch.”

I was hoping Logan would launch into a prepared speech about how long his grandfather hid the watch in his ass, but no such luck. The survivalist says that there’s a well two miles off in a direction he points, and slams the door. 

We cut forward and Logan and Elena are bitching at each other about being tired and thirsty and your standard post-apocalyptic bullshit, until they freeze because of a surprise parked car:

Logan puts his stuff down and carefully approaches the car, but all he finds is a gun-toting dead lesbian behind the wheel, who I am fairly confident is this flick’s director, Bree Mills herself:

Logan grabs her gun and a backpack from the back seat while gagging over the stench and the flies. He takes her cell phone, for reasons that are unclear, and then tosses it away moments later, albeit very artistically. 

Later, they approach a house with an open door. They argue about whether to go in and finally Logan tells her to wait by the front door while he checks it out. He then unhelpfully lets his stick clang off the doorknob. Not sure if that was intentional or just an accident, but he plays it off well. Elena is momentarily delighted to find a pencil that she sticks into her shorts. Don’t worry, this is not relevant to the plot in any way. Eventually they notice that the light is on in the back room; excited, they go to check it out. There’s a bunch of cans (no labels) laid out invitingly in the middle of the room, almost, you know, like a trap, so they charge in and scoop them, delighted, because they think they’re tuna cans. Don’t get your hopes up too high, they might just be cat food, but you can’t really afford to be picky when the shit hits the fan.

All of the sudden a red light appears on Logan’s head:

Because Dick Chibbles is pointing a highly realistic rifle at them:

Logan: “We’re just hungry! Please don’t hurt us.”
Dick: “You been out there?”
Logan: “We’ve been walking around for maybe two months.”
Dick: “What do you know?”
Logan: “No electricity – ”
Elena: “ – no GPS or satellites, nothing works – ”
Logan: “ – think maybe it was an asteroid or nuclear war, we don’t know.”

Credit where it’s due, Elena and Logan are really performing quite well, which again, I’m going to have to give most (but not all) of the credit to Bree Mills’ directing. 

Dick lowers the rifle and sits down thoughtfully in his chair. He explains that he used to be a high school science teacher, and that there’s a thing called Kessler Syndrome, which was a real proposal that outlined a risk of having two many satellites in orbit that could eventually lead to space debris that could have a catastrophic impact on things. Dick thinks that this could take out power grids, and shut down EMPs. I’m not sure how shutting down an EMP is going to cause problems, and I’m also not sure how space debris could take out the power grid, but if the power grid goes we’re all in the soup, because there wouldn’t be enough soup.  

Dick offers to give them all the canned food – and he’ll even throw in a can opener, just to sweeten the pot – in exchange for something. 

Logan: “What do you want?”
Dick: “You, uh…let me put my dick in her pussy.”

Logan does not respond to this well. He screams “You son of a bitch!” and charges at Dick, who swings up his rifle and screams “I WILL DEFEND MYSELF!” like the little bitch that he is. 

Logan: “My girlfriend is not for sale, understand?”
Dick: “I’m not trying to buy her. I’m not trying to buy her at all. I figure that’s about enough food for a whole week for the two of you.”

Now that Logan understands it’s not like a permanent purchase, he immediately switches gears and starts trying to talk Elena into it. Elena is horrified, and protests that they can look for food elsewhere. Logan points out they’ve been looking and haven’t found shit. 

Elena: “You want me to have sex with this man who had a gun pointed at our heads?”
Logan: “I want you to think about us.”
Elena: “Think about US?”
Logan: “What are we going to do? We have nothing!”
Elena: “Go find something else, you don’t need to offer my body to this man.”

In fairness, Elena, Logan hasn’t offered shit. 

Logan and Elena yell at each other very dramatically and Logan begs her to do it for him. 

Elena: “Jacob, fine. Wait outside? My boyfriend takes the cans now, and the can opener, and he waits outside for me.”

For a moment I thought we were getting really weird and Dick was going to demand Logan stay in the room and watch, how’s that for a mindfuck, but instead he just agrees. Elena strips down while Logan is still packing up the cans. Dick pulls out a wet wipe and orders her to clean up her downstairs, which she does. Now…that’s really not all that weird of a request, most ladies give themself a quick once over before initiating sexy time in the best of times, but it does draw attention to the fact that only Elena’s forearms and face are actually dirty, and over the last two months of apocalypse she’s managed to perfectly maintain her bikini wax. Sure, porn and all that, but you’re clearly going for a disheveled and dirty look here, commit to the fucking bit!

Now, as Dick is telling Elena to freshen up the lady garden, we get a close up of Logan reaching for his piece:

Remember, this is the gun he swiped earlier off the dead lesbian. However, after a moment Logan pussies out and takes the cans out and closes the door. 

So they fuck. It’s definitely creepy, and rapey in the blackmailing-someone-who-clearly-doesn’t-actually-want-to-have-sex-with-you-in-exchange-for-food way. Still, this is PureTaboo, so it’s well shot and well acted and titillating enough, with a little bit of weird. At one point while she’s sucking his dick, Dick interrupts her.

Dick: “So who’s that guy, huh? Boyfriend, husband, some guy you just met in the middle of nowhere?”
Elena: “Mmmhmm.”
Dick: “Which one is it?”
Elena: “Boyfriend.”
Dick: “Boyfriend, yeah. You and him get along?”
Elena: “Mmmhmm. Kind of.”

I get why Elena feels this way, after all, she and Logan have been arguing pretty much nonstop, and Logan *did* push her under the bus just a little bit, but I’m also not sure why Dick is bringing this up. That’s a dangerous topic when your dick is in someone’s mouth. 

Later, Dick has her sit down so he can eat her out, but first he hands her a piece of gum. 

Dick: “It’s just gum. I want to kiss you again later.”

That’s a very smooth way to tell her that her breath smells like shit. Elena just pops the gum into her mouth and starts chewing on it while Dick goes to town on her freshly cleaned beaver. 

That’s about it, except Dick muttering about how long it’s been since he’s had some strange. He’s also, particularly by Stupid Porn Plots standards, a very generous lover, going out of her way to make her squirt. However, things end with a creampie, which in a post-apocalyptic scenario is a real asshole move. She’s almost certainly clean out of birth control, but far more importantly, that’s valuable protein you’re wasting. Calories don’t grow on trees.

Also, they seem very intent on artfully filming as much of this scene as they can behind a camping lantern.  

The moment it’s over, Elena leaps up, scoops up her clothes, and opens the door. And Logan…is gone! That little rat fuck! He sold her out for eight cans of tuna fish probably cat food! What a bastard!

Dick: “Your boyfriend is gone. The world is not what it used to be. “

Dick cackles maniacally as we move in on Elena’s horrified face and…credits. 

Well, that was fucking dark as shit, although for a post-apocalyptic storyline, probably fairly accurate. This is basically what they’re implying happens all the time on The Walking Dead, they just don’t show it, because AMC are a bunch of fucking pussies.

All in all, though, this was solid. It’s nice to see something where they’re actually making a fucking effort and doing something new and interesting in the genre.

Kissing: Yes

Oral Sex Reciprocity Scale:

• Fellatio: 6:25
• Cunnilingus: 3:49