There’s a title card – Furniture Store Fornicators – which I appreciate, and then we see Erica Cherry and Claire Tenebrarum walking through a furniture store. And I know that Tenebrarum has a meaning in real life, but it still infuriates me that I accidentally type ‘Tenebaum’ every single time. 

I’m impressed by the production quality of this ‘furniture store’, which I’m guessing is the dressed-up props warehouse for Adult Time productions. Erica and Claire do not really like what they see and talk a little shit about the colors and the price.  

A very enthusiastic salesman, played by Shawn Alff, introduces himself as Aiden Smith and asks what they’re in the market for.

Erica: “Actually, we’re looking for a bedroom set – ”
Aiden: “A bedroom set? You know what goes great with a bedroom set? Dining room table! Look at this thing, it’s perfect, look at the sheet of glass, smooth, nothing more classic than that.”

What a douche. Aiden tries to interest them in some Milan chairs, a Tiffany dynasty sofa, and some fake books. So he’s very clearly full of shit. 

Eventually they find a bed, sit down on it, and ask Aiden to excuse them so they can, you know, see if they like it. Aiden agrees and tells them to just holler whenever they need him back. 

Erica: “I think we’re going to take it…but first, I think we need to test out all its functionality.”
Claire: “I agree.”

All right. Okay. Fucking on a model bed in the middle of an active furniture warehouse. That’s a solid premise for a porn plot right there. Let’s see where they go with this.   

They blow each other for a bit – Erica and Claire are transwomen – until they’re rudely interrupted by the salesman intruding. Erica hastily pulls the blanket over Claire’s naked body. 

Aiden: “How are you ladies finding the mattress? I see you’ve made yourself comfortable.”
Erica: “Yeah, um – ”
Aiden: “Yeah, the Cumulus Cloud 3000 will do that to you, it’ll suck you right in. It’s really, really comfortable.”

We cut to Claire beneath the covers, slobbing knob. 

Erica: “We’re just…I’m just…giving it a really thorough examination, before we commit to buying.” 
Aiden: “Oh, so you are thinking about buying!”  
Erica: “Oh yeah, yeah, for sure. Just a couple more minutes.”

Aiden wanders out of frame, and Erica flips the blankets off Claire’s head. 

Claire: “That was a close one.”

Got it. These two are public fuck people. They get off on this, specifically. Which is a little annoying. Generally, we request enthusiastic consent here at Stupid Porn Plots, although we rarely receive it. I am still impressed with their brazenness at fucking in a furniture store. Furniture’s expensive, you have to assume they have cameras in there. At any minute I expect a cutaway shot to Aiden masturbating in front of the security footage desk. 

Instead, after they fuck for a bit, Aiden says “Did you guys call for me?” and comes back in. In fairness, Claire was getting a little too loud, and it’s not inconceivable Aiden might have perceived her moans as a call for assistance. 

Erica: “It’s a really great bed.”
Aiden: “I’m going to be completely honest with you, I really need to make this sale. I got kids, they’re all in soccer, and to be perfectly frank, got some legal issues that are piling up. So if we could make this thing happen, it would really help me out.”
Erica: “Tell you what, almost guaranteed sale here, just need a couple more minutes to like, really, really – ”
Aiden: “Perfect! I got it. I’ll be back! Oh! Speaking of guarantees, did I tell you about the 90 day guarantee?”
Erica: “I’ll take it, I’ll take it.”
Aiden: “Awesome!”

Okay, you can’t just casually drop in that you’re dealing with legal issues if that’s not going to become part of the plot. Sure, we all know that most mattress stores are money laundering fronts for organized crime, but what’s going on with Aiden specifically? Is he bribing the referees for his kids’ soccer matches? 

Aiden leaves, they resume fucking, and eventually things end the way they normally do, with only one person ejaculating. 

Erica: “So what do you think?”
Claire: “I like the bed.” 
Erica: “You like the bed?”
Claire: “Yeah.” 
Erica: “All right. Aiden! Where did that guy go?”
Claire: “I dunno.” 
Erica: “The one time you need him, he’s not here.”

Sounds like every salesman I’ve ever had the misfortune of interacting with. 

Kissing: Yes