I’m not really a fan of the parody genre in porn movies, because what it really comes down to, in the end, is Outfit Stuff. You want to watch someone dressed like Catwoman / Wonder Woman / Princess Leia / Elizabeth Swann / Velma Dinkley / Black Widow etc getting railed, because of course you do. You go to the movies, you see Elastigirl in the new Incredibles movie, it makes you feel weird in your special place, and you go home to see if there’s porn of it, and because the Internet exists and Rule 34 has no exceptions, there’s a shit-ton of it.
And there’s nothing inherently wrong with that, although it all-too often leads to one of the most terrible, unforgivable crimes against humanity that porn commits with a frequency that frankly baffles me: Outfit Stuff porn where they remove the fucking outfit. You know what I’m talking about, you’re going to watch a Catholic schoolgirl get turned out by a bitchy nun, and in the first two minutes they strip down to their bare skin and now you might as well have picked any other generic lesbian porn in the world. It’s fucking bullshit.
Now that I’m thinking about it, I should probably start coming up with the 10 Commandments of Pornography, just to really document my grievances. Commandment 1: Thou Shalt Not Do Outfit Stuff And Then Remove The Entire Outfit.
I’m off-topic.
The point is, porn parodies are usually just Outfit Stuff and pretty lax on the plot, stupid or otherwise, so they’re not that great a fit for this site, with some notable exceptions we will definitely get into. But sometimes there’s some real weird shit that we’ll be getting into today, such as…the Lego Movie porn parody.
The Laygo Movie – you can find it, it’s on PornHub – is baffling. I’m not sure which exec from the fine folks over at WoodRocket.com watched a trailer for a animated film featuring distinctively unsexy plastic Lego toys and thought “We need to porn this shit up.” Yeah, it’s a little weird making a porn parody of a kids movie, but I get that there’s an adult fanbase. You watch The Incredibles, you notice that Pixar made the very deliberate decision to give Elastigirl an absolute dump truck of an ass, you want to jerk off to it. For comparison, here’s the love interest in the Lego Movie. She’s on the right:
Yeah. It’s weird.
Opening credits begin while the theme song plays, because yes: they wrote a fucking theme song for this parody. Instead of “Everything is Awesome” we get “Cover Everything in Hot Cum” and it’s about as whack as you would expect from a porn parody cover song of a children’s animated movie about a toy line that is a system of interlocking plastic bricks.
Anyway, there’s a lyric that their dick is Lego brick #4733. I don’t know shit about Lego, but I’m guessing they must have some kind of part number system, so I Googled this, and apparently this is part #4733:
That is a fucked-up shaped dick.
We open on Donnie Rock, who was one of the competitors of “The Sex Factor”. He’s telling everything in the room, like the door and ceiling, to screw itself. He then looks at the camera and tells the viewer not to be offended because that’s just how they say “Good morning in a porno”. And now we’re breaking the 4th wall, which I’m fine with, but this is not funny.
He steps on a couple sex toys and bitches about it even though they’re cylindrical because they’re fucking sex toys. In the living room he picks up a DVD of what is supposed to be Lego porn with the title “Barely Lego” and credit where it’s due: that’s pretty good.
Gabriella Paltrova rolls in and second credit: these costumes are…fairly well-done:
I mean, I’m the opposite of what aroused is, but sure.
They chat, Gabriella says that ever since Taco Tuesday the shit has proverbially been hitting the fan, makes a bad Tom Hardy in Mad Max joke, and the 4th wall is broken again:
Gabriella: “What are we going to do then?”
Donnie: “Well, we’re going to make jokes about how the Lego Movie was a two-hour commercial for Lego and their licenses.”
They…don’t, but okay. There’s a couple more bad jokes, they decide to scale Fuck Mountain, and Donnie says “Just one brick” and empties two blue Legos out of a medicine bottle, clearly suggesting he’s popping a couple Viagra, which again: pretty solid joke.
We get a quick shot of some old hands mashing two Lego figures together making them fuck, and then we cut to:
Yeah.
You can’t see it, but they left her pubic hair off the list of ‘slather in yellow body paint’ areas, which is always an odd plot hole they never address in this type of porn.
They fuck. Donnie says “ride my interchangeable piece” and they use “brick” instead of “fuck” a few times. It’s not great, we’re just watching a couple yellow people in macabre headgear have otherwise vanilla sex. However, they manage to stick the landing: we get a close-up of Donnie faking an orgasm, they toss some white Legos through the air and have them bounce off Gabriella’s ass:
It’s excellent. Way to commit.
They both get up and walk out of the room, wincing in pain as they step on the Lego cum bricks. And that’s about it, except for the lengthy closing credits. I’m going to be real for a moment: it’s weird for pornography to have such lengthy opening and closing credits. That’s a bit much. Also: it’s weird that this approximately 12.5 minute porno has THREE CREDITED DIRECTORS.
Kissing: No
Oral Sex Reciprocity Scale:
- Fellatio: 0:00
- Cunnilingus: 0:00
That’s a first.