I’ve gotten a few emails from people asking “so what kind of porn plots do you actually like”, and my answer, generally, is “no”. If I’m watching porn for medicinal purposes and not because I’m researching something for this site, I don’t really give a shit about the plot and will skip over whatever set up happens. I don’t need to know exactly how she got stuck in the washing machine, cut to the chase.
If I had to pick, though, it would probably be something steeped heavily in religious guilt. If you asked, “Lemony, would this have something to do with your Catholic upbringing?” my answer would probably be “Who are you and how did you get in my house, I’m calling the police, but also yes.”
Unfortunately, this is porn we’re talking about, so even religious guilt is not done well.
We open on Audrey Holiday walking up to a doorway, with a tie, jacket, and a skirt, looking very nice. She knocks on the door and Bradley Remington opens a little window and bitches about how early it is. Audrey explains that she’s from the church, and:
Bradley explains that’s “how they do it in the country” since nobody is around. I’ve been to the country, people rarely answer the door naked. But I’d also like them to do a bit more with this. Maybe have Audrey hold up her Bible to block her view of his penis, or turn sideways so she’s not looking at him. Instead, she soldiers on and says she’s here about something “that will change your life.”
Bradley says that his life is great, what else does he need?
Bradley: “How the hell is my life gonna get better? I made a killin’ sellin’ cows and chickens and this farm, I got a beautiful house, what else could you give me?”
Audrey: “The Lord!”
Bradley: “The Lord didn’t do shit for me forever. I prayed one time and old Brewster he still died.”
He’s making some compelling points. Bradley asks how old Audrey is, then (without waiting for her to confirm she’s eighteen, critical mistake right there) says she should be out having fun.
Audrey: “This is fun, I’m doing the Lord’s work.”
Bradley says he’s going back to bed and wanders off, leaving the door open. Audrey follows him inside without permission, no doubt breaking a number of her church’s rules for door-to-door missionaries.
I should probably mention they are both improvising, very, very badly, so they keep talking over each other, repeating the same generic statements, and it’s terrible. I feel like we need to have t-shirts made that say STOP MAKING PORN STARS IMPROVISE.
It’s not hard. Write a basic script and make them do it one line at a time. Cue cards are acceptable.
We cut inside to Bradley in bed. Audrey walks in and sits down.
Audrey: “I have a pamplet you can read.”
Bradley: “Pamphlet? Keep your pamphlet.”
Audrey: “It’ll tell you the Good word.”
Bradley: “I’ll put it in your pamphlet!”
Bradley immediately breaks character and has to cover his face with the comforter to hide his laugh, and Audrey loses it for a couple seconds as well. Single take filmmaking right here.
Audrey: “Sir…I don’t know what that means.”
Bradley repeats the “I’ll put it in your pamphlet” line, because that’s what really sells the joke, delivering it a second time when it no longer makes sense contextually.
It’s clearly apparent they didn’t have any good ideas on how to transition from the “spreading the good news” section to the fucking section, which is a pity, because the Bible has a LOT of fuck stuff in it. I was hoping Audrey would read a line from Song of Solomon, fade in heavy bass, but instead Bradley just sits up and says she hasn’t had a chance to experience life yet, then tells her to touch his cock.
That being said, there are few things funnier than porn stars pretending to be virgins improvising dialogue.
Bradley explains it feels great, and Audrey says “Jeez.” Okay. For fuck’s sake, who’s driving this clown car? There’s no way a nice girl like Audrey who doesn’t even know how erections work would take the Lord’s name in vain!
They exchange some inane dialogue as Audrey experimentally strokes his penis with the skill of a woman who has been in 60 pornos but is desperately trying to pretend she hasn’t. Bradley, realizing his mistake from earlier, asks if she’s 18 and gets confirmation this time.
Bradley asks if she’s been saving herself, and Audrey confirms she has.
Bradley: “You know what they say. They say there’s a loophole. You don’t have to have sex.”
Audrey: “What do you mean?”
Bradley: “You could do anal sex…and put it in your butt. That ain’t losing your virginity, if we ain’t going in your pussy.”
Audrey: “You would put your penis in my butt?”
Bradley: “It feels just as good I hear. I mean, I wouldn’t know.”
Nice save. Audrey immediately smirks as if she knows he’s full of shit. I immediately ran to IAFD, but shockingly, Bradley has never done gay for pay. What do you know?
Bradley: “The girls, they do the same thing.”
Audrey: “Well, I guess that’s not technically losing my virginity.”
They move on to the bed, but before she starts polishing knob, dude suggests she say a little prayer. FUCK YES. COMMIT TO THE BIT.
My favorite thing about this – aside from everything – is the implication that Audrey needs divine help to choke on this dick. Like, if a girl you’re about to bang stops and literally prays for God to GIVE HER THE STRENGTH to suck your dick…that’s kinda insulting, right?
Anyway, apparently God does answer prayers, because Audrey can deep-throat his one-eyed trouser snake without noticeable effort. Surprise!
The best part about the otherwise mostly uninspiring sex is that they really do commit to the bit. Audrey keeps glancing up at the sky and muttering “Thank you Lord” with watery eyes, Bradley does the same. He starts face-fucking her, so outside of speaking to our Heavenly Father, it’s mostly GLUK-GLUK-GLUK sounds for a bit.
He eats her ass out briefly and they both thank Jesus during the act, which is unusual, and then it’s time for another prayer:
Considering she’s about to take a very large dick in her ass, that’s probably not that unusual. I suspect many Christian girls have said that exact prayer in similar circumstances with significantly more sincerity.
Predictably, he slides in with ease. Audrey thanks the Lord for “this bountiful cock”. Interesting word choice there.
They fuck for a bit, there’s a very obvious cut to a new take of her sucking dick, and she says that she loves tasting his cock from her asshole.
Four things:
- Missed opportunity to ask God on his views on ass to mouth
- Two minutes ago she supposedly didn’t know that erections aren’t painful, and now this recently deflowered virgin is talking dirty about loving the taste of ass to mouth???
- If you’re going to fake an ass to mouth shot, maybe don’t draw attention to it by having her comment on
- In a few minutes, there’s an actual ass to mouth shot, so why bother faking this one? Unless it was just directorial incompetence
At some point, they get stuck on the theological question of whether fingering a vagina is kosher or not:
After a second or two they both agree that the Lord said it was fine, and again, this rings true. When horny people ask God for permission, “God” is okay with it 100% of the time, no matter how flimsy the logic.
Bradley: “I’m gonna come. Better ask the Lord if you can take a load in your mouth.”
Bradley: “Say, ‘Please Lord, give me the cock cum.”
Audrey: “Please Lord, give me the cock cum. All over my face.”
Side note: there are few things I find funnier than a male porn star trying to set up a pop shot but then…not actually be able to climax so we just hold there for thirty or forty seconds while the female porn star does space work to try to stay engage while the male porn star jerks it. It’s sublime.
Mid-ejaculation, Audrey has the presence of mind to say “PRAISE THE LORD. PRAISE HIM!” which really ties a bow on this scene. Audrey then says it’s time for a verse from the Bible but Bradley is already walking away so she tosses the Bible on the bed and scampers out of the shot.
Overall, this was great, but I do have a few suggestions:
First, Audrey’s landing strip really should be shaved into a cross.
Second, if the plotline is that the woman is an awkward virgin, maybe lean into that instead of having her deep-throat, get pounded in the ass, and go ass to mouth without any real effort. It is of course largely true (parents take note) that the more religious and controlling your upbringing is, the crazier you are in bed once you’ve been unleashed. The whole Virgin Mary in the Streets, Mary Magdalene in the Sheets. It’s a well-known fact that Christians will go ass to mouth on the first date, but you still have to explain what it is first. Like, if she doesn’t know how erections work, she also wouldn’t know what a cumshot is. For example:
Bradley: Better ask the Lord if you can take a load of cum in your mouth.
Audrey: Okay – Lord can I – wait, what’s cum?
Bradley: urgently JUST ASK HIM YOU’LL FIND OUT IN A SECOND
Audrey: Okay, Lord-can-I-take-a-load-of-cum-in-my-mouth? He says yes.
Or something like:
Bradley: I need to come in your mouth.
Audrey: Why?
Bradley: Onanism. Spilling my seed on the ground is a sin.
Audrey: (doubtfully) I guess that makes sense.
Bradley: Open up.
Finally, it would also be hilarious if a female porn star was wearing a cross necklace and then immediately after the sex started they stopped and said “Holy shit, this is getting really hot all of a sudden” and had to take the cross necklace off.
Kissing: Yes
Oral Sex Reciprocity Scale:
- Fellatio: 7:57
- Cunnilingus: 1:06