After the opening mashup of scenes, we cut to the judges. Asa explains that two contestants have decided to withdraw from the competition – Sydney Gilmour and Barry Newport. According to The Colonel, Barry withdrew because his family threatened to disown him, and Sydney left for unknown reasons, probably because weeks would go by between filming episodes because this entire production was a clusterfuck. Which – yeah. Since last episode, Sonny got his long hair cut, Adrian dyed her hair red – it’s noticeable.
The judges explain that they’ll each be paired up and shoot a scene together, and if the judges like it, they’ll rank it high. So basically, nothing objective, just what the judges like, presumably so they can eliminate the contestants they don’t like and avoid another Caspian fiasco.
We first go to Hero and Allie together shooting outside as the first couple. We get some generic footage of them fucking intercut with some dialogue about the scene. It’s…pretty basic. Allie mentions being new to it, so she wasn’t really sure about how some of the angles were, but we don’t elaborate on this at all. Remi tells Allie to look over her shoulder as they fuck. The only downside is that Hero is still unable to ejaculate on camera but, as Remi puts it, “at least we got a hard dick”.
We then move over to Asa (who introduces herself as Keiran) and Keiran (who introduces himself as Asa) which is a little funny. They’ll be judging Sonny and Blair. Keiran tells Sonny he needs to get a hard-on or he’s basically done. No pressure!
Needless to say, Sonny can’t get hard, so he starts eating Blair out in an awkward position. Keiran jumps in and points out the angle Sonny has chosen means the camera can’t see anything. He flips Blair over onto her back and explains that Sonny needs to come in at an angle so the camera can see what’s happening. Excellent. This is the type of behind-the-scenes content I want. It’s also pretty much the only behind-the-scenes content we’ll get, aside from discussions about how to get hard that don’t involve Viagra.
Blair: “All the things we had planned out, just never happened, so it was just another kind of disappointment. And then, that was it.”
Sonny: “Yeah, it’s not working.”
Keiran: “Sonny, you’ve gone down quicker than the Titanic, mate.”
Solid line.
They talk about it. Keiran points out that Sonny was talking mad game about being really aggressive and being a dom in the scenes but when he came in he was basically pussyfooting around. Keiran points out that Blair likes it rough and demonstrates by grabbing her by the throat:
He smacks her cheek, grabs the back of Blair’s head and thrusts it towards his crotch as a demonstrative example of how Sonny could, you know, do things. He does stop for a moment and asks Blair “Is that okay?” to which she replies in the affirmative, but for me, I think it’s generally a good idea to ask first before the choke and the smack moves.
Sonny: “Right now, from the scene, I’m so embarrassed that I’m angry. And I’m so angry that I physically want to cry. Is there a chance I go home? Yeah, I have a strong opinion that I might.”
We leap over to Lexi who is judging The Colonel and Khaya who will be filming their scene on the pool table. The Colonel has a couple pool balls in his hand which he’s spinning.
Khaya: “You’ve got some nice balls there.”
The Colonel: “So, when we started the scene, I wasn’t even hard.”
Khaya: “But it got hard pretty quickly, because I’m a good dick sucker.”
They fuck for a bit, Khaya squirts everywhere, and The Colonel unleashes the cannons over Khaya’s face. Afterwards, they talk, and the only real downside was that the scene didn’t last that long, but Lexi says it was still a good scene.
Next, Lexi and Remy judge Kaelin and Buddy. They start off kissing, and Buddy explains via v.o. that Kaelin is visibly shaking which throws him off his game. The judges call a break and they talk it over. Kaelin says she can do the scene, and Buddy says it’s making him nervous and he can’t get hard. They try again and Kaelin sort’ve does her best on his flaccid dick:
Lexi: “C’mon, stroke it. Suck it. Pull it. Tug it.”
It doesn’t work, so they finally call it.
Next up, it’s Tori judging Donny and Adrian. Tori notes that it’s totally dead quiet in the room. Donny eats her out, she blows his limp dick, and it very awkward and very dreadful.
Donny (V/O): “I think she was a dead lay, there just wasn’t a lot there.”
Adrian (V/O): “I was actually kinda relieved when Tori pulled the plug, because I didn’t feel like it was going to go anywhere. He kept leaving so many times and coming back – I felt like both of just fell out of being into it and made it even worse.”
Donny manages to thumb a softy and achieve one or two strokes inside Adrian, but that’s about it, and finally it ends.
Finally, we move to Keiran judging Dani and Johnny. Keiran gives Johnny some tips about the correct angles for eating pussy:
Johnny: “She was too aggressive, I had to whisper in her ear ‘don’t stick your tongue too far in my throat’, I was choking.”
But. Shocker. He can’t get hard. Keiran decides they’ll shoot a little soft-core style scene, so they mime fucking with Johnny thrusting his limp dick at Dani’s ass. It’s…pretty funny, to be honest.
Dani: “I honestly didn’t think it would be that nerve-wracking, I thought guys were horn-dogs, and just touching their legs, they would get a fucking erection, but…they don’t.”
Keiran: “The main things we need on a porn set is a hard-on.”
Truer words were never spoken.
We move over to the judges talking things over.
Keiran: “I had Johnny Black and Sonny, and between the pair of them, they couldn’t get a hard-on. And the Dani thing, she just rammed her tongue down his throat.”
They talk over the rest of the contestants but we don’t really learn anything new. We move forward to elimination and the judges explain that two contestants will be going home. They tell people they’ll be calling names and they will represent the six lowest scores.
Donny, Sonny, and Johnny are called forward for the guys, Adrian, Dani, and Kaelin for the girls. As they do, the judges make some small comments, which sometimes make sense, and sometimes…don’t.
Asa: “Johnny, you’re charming and handsome, and you have something that girls are drawn to, and you’re so likeable.”
WHY IS THAT A REASON WHY HE’S ON THE CHOPPING BLOCK? WHO EDITED THIS GARBAGE? Like, you hear that, and you expect the natural follow-up to be “However, you can’t win a competition to be a porn star if you can’t get a fucking erection.” but it never comes.
Finally Tori explains that Sonny and Dani will be going home.
Dani: “Are you serious?”
Keiran explains that if Sonny can’t perform, while talking a big game, eventually he’ll end up on every girl’s no list. Which…okay. Also if he can’t perform he won’t be on any director’s list, which also seems important.
Tori: “Dani, crossing your partner’s boundaries is one of the worst things you can do. You really need to respect that boundary. When someone says no, you do not push further. Ever. And for that reason, you have to go home.”
Asa asks if they have anything to say.
Dani: “I have nothing to say. I don’t remember crossing any boundaries.”
Tori: “No memory of it at all? Perhaps that’s the problem.”
So they finish and Dani storms off in hysterics, crying and screaming about what a shit partner Johnny was and she had to fake her entire scene because of it while Blair tries to calm her down.
All right. Time to pull out all those pins I’ve been asking you to keep track of. Now, needless to say, I agree with Tori’s statement. Consent is important, and no means no. HOWEVER.
First, throughout the first three episodes, they have not talked about consent. At all. They have not talked about boundaries. At all. If you’re going to kick a contestant out for crossing boundaries, you kinda need to demonstrate that she deliberately crossed the fucking boundaries.
Did Johnny and Dani have a meeting beforehand to discuss boundaries? If so, why didn’t they fucking show it? What they showed us during the actual scene (in a confessional interview) is Johnny saying that she was being too aggressive and that he whispered in her ear to ease up. The subject is immediately dropped, implying that Dani respected his boundaries, and eased up. If she didn’t…why didn’t we see that happen? If you’re literally going to kick someone out of the show, show us the actual reason why.
I can almost buy that MAYBE they had an off-camera conversation about boundaries and MAYBE Dani crossed the boundary after Johnny asked her to stop and I can certainly believe that this production was too incompetent to capture either of those things on film, but again, this is television. You can easily go back and capture some footage on the couch of Johnny or a judge (after the fact) explaining that they told her to stop and she didn’t and then this narrative would make sense. Lacking that, this is just incoherent. Then again, this is porn we’re talking about.
Second – this, coming from the judges, is a little rich. Judge Lexi grabbed Blair and kissed her without consent. Judge Remi kissed Sydney without consent. Judge Tori pulls Allie’s bra off without consent. The judges kept Caspian – public masturbator who didn’t respect other’s consent – around for an extra episode. Johnny Black shoved his naked dick into Judge Asa’s face without consent and everyone thought it was hilarious. Judge Keiran whipped Sonny, The Colonel, and Donnie without consent. Judge Keiran grabbed Blair by the throat and (lightly) slapped her face…without consent. This has not in any way, shape, or form been any kind of issue until now when suddenly they’re tossing contestants out. It’s bullshit. If you’re going to talk the talk, walk the fucking walk.
Anyway. That’s about it.
