For those of you unfamiliar with the original movie Kick-Ass, it’s the surprisingly enjoyable tale of a loser who decides to put on a costume and fight crime and immediately gets the absolute shit beaten out of him which is more or less what would obviously happen in real life. However, he then teams up with a couple people far more capable than himself: Nicolas Cage being knockoff Batman AKA Big Daddy and Chloe Grace Moretz as his incredibly foul-mouthed and inexplicably lethal 11-year-old daughter Hit-Girl, handwaved away that her dad has been training her to be a ninja assassin for her entire life or something.

Now, I think we can all agree that it’s kinda weird to make a porn parody of that movie. Kinda creepy as well. Yes, Hit-Girl is played by an adult in the parody, and yes, maybe (maybe) within the universe of this porno she’s all grown up so it’s totally cool if you want to fuck her, but maybe also it’s still kinda creepy and kinda fucked up.

Then again, this is porn we’re talking about.

Also, the kinda creepy and kinda fucked up is barely scratching the surface of this one. Buckle the fuck up.

After a couple production logos, we get a title card, which I appreciate, that reads “Ass Kick”. It’s very clever, they made the exact same joke that was in the original Kick-Ass movie.

We open on some random asshole (Alex Dorian) sitting in a generic room. “Lisa”, played by Alisha Adams, enters.

Lisa: “Can I borrow $50 bucks? Please?”
Alex: “Um, why?”
Lisa: “Nunya bizness.”
Alex: “Yeah, I guess. Oo, I’ve only got a hundred.”
Lisa: “That’ll work. I’ll pay you back. Thanks. Gay guys always have money.”
Alex: “I’m not gay.”
Lisa: “Sure you’re not.”
Alex: “No no no. I’m not gay.”
Lisa: “Are you sure?”

We immediately cut to an upskirt shot of Lisa, and then Alex says:

Alex yells that he’s not gay and he’s going to be a superhero. We cut to a new shot of him studying and answering his phone. It’s an unknown number [!] telling him something. Alex says he’s on is way, and we get a quick scene of him suiting up and then immediately tripping and falling down. Hijinks!

We cut to a generic office where a woman in a catsuit is rummaging around a filing cabinet for way too long. I’m 98% certain that Catsuit Thief is also played by Alisha Adams, but it’s hard to tell with the mask and the constantly moving shaky-cam. Eventually Ass Kick enters:

Ass Kick: “Stop thief!”
Catsuit Thief: “Who the fuck are you?”
Ass Kick: “Ass Kick.”
Catsuit Thief: “I’m going to kick your fucking ass, you little punk.”

The wordplay is breathtaking.

Catsuit Thief kicks Ass Kick in the balls which knocks him down, kicks him several more times, stomps on his groin, and then kicks him eleven (11!) times in the balls, grinds her heel against his crotch, and then kicks him another three times in the balls. Jesus Christ. So this film is being made for the creepy-underage-superhero crowd, and people into cock-and-ball torture.

We cut to Ass Kick in a hospital bed. The doctor explains that while he’s alive, unfortunately his dick is broken, and it’ll take six months to heal. He gives Ass Kick a strap-on dick as an interim replacement, for…reasons.

We cut to a new scene where a guy is counting up money next to some generic drug paraphernalia. Ass Kick enters and says “Making and selling drugs is wrong.” Eh. Legally? Sure. Morally? Fuck off. Also, you’re an illegal vigilante. Get fucked.

Before the drug dealer and Ass Kick can really get into it, Hit-Girl (played by Madison Chandler) enters the scene.

Hit-Girl: “Here I come to save the day!”

Man, they’re really knocking it out of the park with this script.

Hit-Girl knocks the drug dealer down and starts beating the shit out of him. And when I say, “beating the shit out of him”, I’m talking very weak, ineffectual stage punches where her fists are visibly a good twelve inches away from his face at all times with a loud punch sound effect added in post. I’ve seen better fight choreography in kindergarten church stage plays of the execution of Christ. Hit-Girl “punches” him – I counted – forty-three times.

You would think for a studio specializing in violent pornography they’d be a bit better at selling a punch on film. It’s not all that hard.

Big Daddy (Hit-Girl’s father, in the original Kick-Ass film) enters, and the dialogue is…troubling:

Big Daddy: “Yes, my little child! Good job, little girl. You did so well.”

NO. NO. UH-UH. STOP IT. FUCK THIS NOISE.

Ass Kick: “You mean there really are superheroes? That’s so cool!”
Hit-Girl: “Listen you little fucken cunt, we just saved your ass so don’t do anything stupid.”

It should be noted that Hit-Girl has a DEEP Southern accent, while her father does not.

Ass Kick wonders to himself why they even bothered with the gay subplot, and I wonder that as well. I assume this line was added in post to explain away the plot hole of Lisa wanting to fuck him in the next scene. Hit-Girl and Big Daddy pack up the drugs and cash, and the scene ends. We head back to Ass Kick’s apartment where we began and there’s more V.O.

Ass Kick (V.O.): “I should be able to walk right over to Lisa’s house, and she’ll suddenly want to have sex with me.”

Ass Kick enters the apartment we clearly established at the beginning was his own apartment, with his fake dick sticking out the front of his costume.

Seriously. Make a fucking effort.

He fucks her with his strap-on. It’s pretty bland and uninspiring and the angles are some of the worst that I’ve ever seen in porn:

At the end they decide she’ll be his sidekick. Lisa runs out and comes back in a young Silk Spectre from Watchmen costume, and they agree her name will be “Seduca” and head out to fight crime.

We jump over to Hit-Girl and Big Daddy standing in front of a ridiculous number of wall-mounted guns. Hit-Girl complains she’s having a problem with her costume, so they retreat into her bedroom while Big Daddy refers to her as “child” several more times, purely to make this scene creepier. Big Daddy then opens up her outfit, revealing her breasts.

Big Daddy: “You have such nice tits. Just like your mother.”
Hit-Girl: “What would you like to do with them, Dad?”
Big Daddy: “Why don’t you sit on my lap and I’ll show you.”

Not even bothering with the whole “step” angle. Blood relatives here.

In fairness, I appreciate this on some level. If you’re going to go for an incest kink in porn, either shit or get off the pot. Stop pussyfooting around with this fauxcest “step-daughter” bullshit and commit to the fucking bit.

They spend way too long getting most of their costumes off, to the point where finally they cut forward and half the outfit is gone. They fuck in a variety of positions until they’re interrupted by a knock on the door.

Big Daddy: “Who is it?”
Ass Kick: “It’s Ass Kick and Seduca.”
Big Daddy: “Come on in.”

I feel like that’s a little weird, just inviting people in mid-incestual-fucking. Am I taking crazy pills here? But Ass Kick and Seduca are completely nonplussed by this turn of events and Seduca heads straight in, uninvited, mouth open, like Big Daddy’s erection is some kind of tractor beam.

Ass Kick asks to be tagged in. Big Daddy talks some shit about how he needs to go after what he wants, then tells Ass Kick to fuck his daughter, at which point Ass Kick realizes he left his strap-on at home. The girls yell at him and Ass Kick heads off to fetch his dick. Big Daddy, Hit-Girl, and Seduca have very generic, boring, Outfit Stuff sex, and it’s made all the worse by the incredibly shitty camera work where the camera never stops moving and is shaking all over the place. Who the fuck is filming this, Michael J. Fox?

Finally Ass Kick returns and they all fuck. Because that’s what we all really want from porn: a man with a broken penis using a strap-on dildo to fuck a woman cosplaying as a child.

Finally things end the way they normally don’t: everyone stops fucking with zero orgasms, they decide to go fight crime, and they put their fists together in the middle and cheer. Well. It’s keeping me guessing, at least?

We cut back over to Ass Kick’s apartment. He explains that before fighting crime, they should party a bit first, despite what happened less than five seconds ago.

Ass Kick: “You know, I’m into some pretty kinky stuff, what we just did was pretty fun, but I like some kinky stuff, you know what I’m talking about.”
Seduca: “Yeah.”
Ass Kick: “You all like kinky stuff?”
Big Daddy: “Ah, yeah.”
Hit-Girl: “Kinky stuff is good.”

Dear reader. Take a moment, let what I’ve previously written wash over you, and before moving on, let your mind wander and try to guess what kinky stuff is upcoming.

Really ponder that one.

Think about it.

You got it?

You sure?

Lock it in.

Here we go.

Ass Kick pulls a gun off the shelf and racks the slide.

Ass Kick shoots Big Daddy in the chest at point-blank range. Big Daddy collapses to the floor, dead, as Hit-Girl screams in horror. Seduca grabs Hit-Girl, drags her onto the bed, wraps a cord around her neck, and starts strangling her to death.

Now, this is clearly intended to appeal to people who enjoy jerking off to sexy half-naked women being strangled to death, so Hit-Girl flails around on the bed gagging and choking for two minutes and twenty-eight seconds, which is probably enough time to climax if you work hard at it. Eventually Hit-Girl is “dead”.

Seduca: “I think she’s dead.”
Ass Kick: “Now you’re a real super hero.”
Seduca: “Are you hungry?”
Ass Kick: “Yeah I am.”
Seduca: “I’ll get us pizza.”
Ass Kick: “Do it the real way. I’ll take care of the body.”

Lot to unpack there. First, why does strangling someone to death make you a real superhero? Second, did we really need to transition from strangling a wannabe superhero into boring what-do-you-want-for-dinner talk? Third, what is “the real way” when it comes to pizza? None of these questions are answered. Instead, Seduca heads out to order a pizza.

Ass Kick: “Oh my God. I’ve got a hard on! God I love dead girls.”

Holy shit! Hit-Girl’s dead body was so hot that it cured Ass Kick’s broken penis! It’s a miracle.

Ass Kick starts “fucking” Hit-Girl’s corpse. Except at no point do we actually see any penetration, with either his real or his fake penis, so the actor is basically just dry-humping her. Now, I don’t like to give notes on necrophilia porn, but: the filmmakers are very clearly making this for an audience who presumably are very into watching someone fuck a porn star pretending to be dead. I can’t imagine them being happy at not seeing, you know, actual penetration? You’re going to show us two and a half minutes of a porn star being fake strangled to death, but you draw the line at fucking the corpse and go full softcore Skinemax? What the fuck is this bullshit?

Anyway. Ass Kick fakes an orgasm and leaves, and we have several long, porny, slow panning shots of Hit-Girl’s corpse splayed out on the bed before we fade to black and the credits roll.

Some final thoughts:

It’s weird seeing porn with no cumshots. There’s a lot of fucking, a couple faked orgasms, but most of the sex scenes just end mid-coitus and everyone moves on. That’s a little strange. I’m not any kind of expert when it comes to necrophilia but I have to imagine part of the appeal is a 0% chance of anyone getting pregnant, you think it’d be creampie-o’clock in here, but that’s just completely ignored.

The first time I saw this I went in fully blind and was blown away by what happened. This comes to us from PKFStudios, which is a fetish studio that is all about the murder and necrophilia angle in pornography. Their website lists a few different product lines – there’s PKF Studios, which is “Erotic Horror for Discerning Adults”, which is a great tag line, and then “PKF Shooters” for people aroused by women who are shot to death and then their corpses are fucked, and then “PKF Morgue” where porn stars are murdered and found dead and then a morgue tech does a medical examination of their sexy, sexy dead body, and somebody maybe fucks them and maybe doesn’t, it depends on the scene.

I really appreciate the disclaimer posted regularly on their website:

“Note: Actresses are over 18 at the time of filming and the word “teen”, “teenage”, “young girl” is only meant to imply legal age characters regardless of audience interpretation.”

That’s helpful. I might suggest adding “my child” to that list of phrases that are up for audience interpretation. I might also add a disclaimer about the fact that the actresses are not actually dead and the laws being broken about abuse of a corpse are not actually being broken but then again I’m not a lawyer.

Kissing: No