Episode Eight – Playing With The Pros
We open pretty fucking dramatically:
Asa: “Hey guys, this is the culmination of everything you’ve been working towards.”
Remy: “We’re going to give you the chance to apply everything you’ve learned throughout this season.”
Keiran: “This is where you put your Ivy League porn star education to good use.”
The judges explain that they’re bringing in 6 of the biggest porn stars in the biz to shoot with them. Holy shit! It’s almost like we’re building to a nonexistent crescendo!
Let’s wind the clocks back to episode one, where our judges explained that this competition was all about the Three P’s:
“The first P is for Presence, how you act, how you dress, and how you look.”
Okay. In episode one everyone had a competition on kissing and faking an orgasm. In episode two, the men got to practise doing a strip-tease (which basically is never used in porn) where the woman got a photoshoot, which, in full fairness, is a useful skill. They haven’t had any coaching about acting, and next to nothing about how you dress and how you look (except, of course, for the elimination of The Colonel for violating the “don’t be unattractive” rule).
“The second P is for Performance. Having sex at home is a whole different story than having sex in front of a crew and camera.”
Here, I think, is the area where the judges have simultaneously done the most (which is really nothing beyond showing how to block for camera angles and choose the best angles for porn) while also shitting the bed. First of all, of the three remaining male contestants, none have been able to pop on camera and most have been unable to stay hard for their fucking scenes. Second, the judges have repeatedly shit the bed with anything about respecting consent and boundaries for shooting. Third, they haven’t done essentially anything about breaking down a porn scene.
Like, in terms of a porn scene, here’s what would be genuinely interesting in terms of behind-the-scenes content: the judges decide on who is in the scene. The two stars meet with the director and we get to see the director break down what they’re filming and what will be in the scene. The stars talk through their hard limits, what they like, what they don’t like, any signals they use, etc.
Finally, we get the behind-the-scenes, including any preparation, any cuts in the action, and the post-scene wrap-up. In the hands of a competent director and editor, this would be fascinating stuff, and we’ve had only the tiniest glimpses of it happening, and we’ve had basically nothing in terms of the judges sitting them down and talking through how to be a Professional Porn Star.
“The third P of porn is Potential. Do you have what it takes to make it in this business?”
This, they have basically never mentioned. Keiran has mentioned that certain woman ‘look like a porn star’ (aka Blair, who the judges love, and Adrian, immediately before she was kicked out of the competition for shooting with James Deen). But none of the judges have spent time coaching contestants on what it means to Look Like A Porn Star, or Act Like One – like breaking down how to interact with fans on Twitter, or really any of the nuts and bolts of day to day porn star life.
We begin with Johnny, who is shooting with Dahlia Sky, who has been featured here before on Stupid Porn Plots, and unfortunately suffered from existence failure in June 2021 from breast cancer, sorry to bring the episode down for everyone.
Johnny: “Yeah I actually looked up some of her scenes last night and I was like, man, I’m honored to be able to bang this chick.”
Johnny talks about how the pressure is on because he needs to perform. He and Dahlia start their scene – Tori isn’t there for some reason, and Keiran is eating an apple, which feels weird.
Asa: “There’s already such a huge difference now that one person is a seasoned pro.”
Yeah. It’s almost as if having sixteen complete newbies to porn was a terrible idea for a competition.
Dahlia: “So, at the beginning of the scene, he was struggling a little bit…with some practice, he’ll be really good. I mean, he’s already got the potential though.”
Eventually, he manages to achieve an erection and they fuck and he’s able to blow baby batter all over Dahlia’s willing face. The judges all cheer. They interview both of them after with pretty generic and boring-ass questions.
Asa: “Would you say that he has The Sex Factor?”
Dahlia: “I would say that he most definitely has The Sex Factor.”
File this one under “poor foreshadowing”.
Next up we have Dana DeArmond who is working with Hero Protagonist. It starts off with some sensual kissing and some pussy eating and a confessional with Hero saying that he likes most of those things.
Hero: “We did very little in the way of pre-planning for this.”
Keiran: (visibly disgusted) “Seven minutes of pussy eating…eight minutes, I should say.”
Sounds like the type of thing you should COACH THE FUCKING CONTESTANTS ON BEFORE EIGHT EPISODES INTO A TEN-EPISODE SEASON.
Hero does a standing carry 69, which does impress some of the judges, although not his scene partner.
Hero (confessional): “I was looking for some kind of indication from Dana of what she would particularly enjoy from the scene.”
Dana: “I think he was just doing whatever the fuck he thought would be…impressive? But sometimes you can fall short if you bite off more than you can chew.”
Again: We are 4/5ths of the way through this season. This is an abysmal failure on the part of the producers and the judges. This is reality TV competition 101. You spend maybe the first 2-3 episodes working out the stupid rookie mistakes, the next few honing your qualities, and the last few achieving spectacular new heights. What the fuck is this shit?
Anyway, Hero can’t come, so Asa comes in and tells him they need to see a ‘jerk-to-pop’, cue some unmentioned length of time of Hero trying to rub one out unsuccessfully until Remi comes in to call the scene.
Dana: (to the judges) “He’s got a future in girl-girl porn. It was a struggle! It was like the county fair taffy pull.”
The judges all cackle with laughter, and fair enough, but again: you (or, maybe, the producers) were the ones who eliminated a contestant who could reliably get hard and ejaculate on camera. You made your bed, now you need to lie in it.
Next up is Blair Williams who is shooting with Ramon Nomar, which is a fantastic porn name. And it goes fine, because of course it does. He’s effortlessly hard and they fuck enthusiastically. There’s a minor SNAFU where Blair unexpectedly dumps some hot candle wax on his chest without consent and he yelps in pain but everyone has a good laugh about it and the judges mutter some minor comments about maybe checking before you scald your scene partner.
Blair: “The deep-throating has been a fantasy of my own because it’s a challenge, I mean, these are porn star guys with huge cocks, most girls can’t deep-throat, so really being able to go all the way down and just take his whole dick makes me really proud.”
You know, an interesting thing in a porn competition would be an instructional training session taught by an expert followed by a series of deep-throating challenges. Real pity we didn’t have anyone creative in charge of this.
They talk to Blair who says this was the first time she’s ever orgasmed from a penis before, and then talk to Ramon, who says Blair will soon be a top performer and definitely has The Sex Factor.
Episode Eight – Playing With The Pros 2
We start off with Donnie Rock, who selected Penny Pax as his scene partner. Penny says he’s a gentlemen, and Donnie says that his scene went well, and was very simple and easy to work with a professional. They fuck, and it’s fine.
Penny: “If I didn’t know he was new, I wouldn’t think he was.”
The judges all think it looks good, and we’re watching some perfectly adequate pornography, so it’s not very interesting in any way, and it’s not hot, because four people are talking over it.
Penny: “Donnie Rock has The Sex Factor for sure.”
Donnie manages to pop all over Penny’s face and the judges cheer.
Next up, Khaya Peake is shooting with Tommy Gunn. We learn Tommy is a veteran, and if The Sex Factor had been around when he was starting out, he probably would have auditioned. Cool. Maybe ask him a question about how, hey, what is it like shooting with someone who is brand-new to the biz?
They get to fucking and Tommy puts his belt around Khaya’s neck:
They fuck and Khaya squirts all over Tommy’s face. Then keeps squirting, everywhere. The judges discuss.
Lexi: “She’s like, an explosive performer. Stick a cock in her, she explodes.”
After, the judges talk to her.
Tori: “How did the intro feel to you? Like right in the beginning.”
Khaya: “So like, it’s a bit awkward, meeting someone and then just going at it right away. Is that something you do?”
Tori: “Yep.”
Lexi: “All the time!”
Tori: “I would use that to your advantage, you know. Think of it as, you know, a new kind of fetish for you. I’ve never met you, we haven’t had much conversation, but I can look at you and think about all the nasty things I want to do to you.”
That’s actually solid advice. It feels like Tori is the only one who is taking this judging thing seriously.
They chat with Tommy briefly, and he confirms that Khaya has The Sex Factor.
Next up, it’s Mr. Pete with Allie Eve Knox.
Allie (confessional): “As a person, Mr. Pete is so wonderful. I kinda told him beforehand, like, we had said, don’t be too rough, I showed him where my piercings were, how to grab my hair, stuff that I liked, we kinda talked about that, and I just kinda let him lead the scene because he knows exactly what he’s doing, camera angles stuff like that, cause I just want to learn how to do this.”
In other words: Allie, out of all the contestants, is the only one who actually prepared for the scene with her scene partner? Brilliant.
They fuck and it’s fine. As some point they start getting a bit frothy and one of the judges comments “Too creamy, you guys” but they don’t expand on this at all. Like, what’s the preferred protocol here, quick stop and a baby wipe? Why include it in the episode if you’re not going to get into it? Why do they hate the concept of this show?
Allie asks him to cum inside her, and Mr. Pete obliges, then turns her to the camera and kinda gapes her vagina a bit to try and get the creampie to dribble out on camera.
Allie (confessional): “The cum didn’t come out of me because he came so high up in mind. It is starting to come out now and I do feel bad for the person who has to clean this chair.”
That is, hands-down, the funniest line from this entire season.
That’s it. Khaya tells us that she thinks she’s being eliminated, which is interesting, since Tommy said she had The Sex Factor. But I guess we’ll find out on the season finale!