We open on a long, slow, porny shot of Haley Reed’s (repeat offender) ass in a red bikini bottom as she wanders through her house holding a lifeguard flotation device. She goes up to Jay Romero, and explains that she needs his help, because she has a test coming up. Jay clarifies if he needs to pretend he’s drowning, and Haley confirms “Yeah, pretty much.”
Jay: “I mean, I don’t know if that’s a good idea, I’ll just gonna be staring at those tits and that puss the whole time, you know that.”
Haley: “Oh my god, you’re so gross. Look, it’ll take ten minutes. Can you compose yourself for ten minutes?”
I certainly don’t like to victim-blame, and it’s hardly Haley’s fault that her step-brother is a lecherous asshole, and “but what was she wearing” is a shitty thing to say, but…did she really need to practice CPR in a bikini? Hazmat it up!
She has Jay turn around and flail his arms like he’s drowning in the water.
I’m not nor have I ever been a lifeguard, but I feel like this sort of technique should probably be done in, say, the actual water? Hell, even a bathtub would be more realistic. Anyway, Haley wraps the buoy around him and mimes pulling him back in.
Jay: “I can feel your nipple poking my back.”
Haley: “Water must be cold then, you know what happens to boy’s penises when they get cold.”
It’s gotta be cold in there, Haley’s nips are like glass.
Jay suggests she finds out what’s happening in his pants. Haley tells him to stop, that he’s her step-brother (excellent exposition), and that’s very inappropriate. She has him lay down on the bed and (correctly) checks for breath, incorrectly (!) does not check for chest movement or a pulse, and (incorrectly!!) proceeds to mouth to mouth. Come on, guys, everyone knows you don’t do mouth to mouth nowadays, you go right to chest compressions. Anyway. Haley goes in for the kiss of life:
Jay immediately sticks his tongue in her mouth. Haley bitches at him. She tries again, and he immediately cops a feel. Haley chastens him, then goes in for Attempt Three, when suddenly….
Jay: “Ow ow ow ow! I got stung by a jellyfish!”
Haley: “A jellyfish? We’re not even near the water!”
Jay: “Owwwww I got stung on my dick!”
Haley: “I mean, I guess I wouldn’t know what to do if you got stung by a jellyfish.”
Don’t be absurd. Everyone knows that you pee on it.
Jay tells her to check her phone for the solution and Haley just goes for it. O…kay. They’re running with this. Fair enough. It’s not any more ridiculous than a shark alert at a bathtub.
Haley: “It does say suck the poison out.”
NO. GOD FUCKING DAMMIT. THAT’S WHAT YOU DO IF A RATTLESNAKE BITES YOUR DICK.
Jay pulls his dick out, and Haley gives us her best, most exasperated, ‘I can’t believe I have to suck my step-brother’s dick face’.
She pops his dick in her mouth and mournfully sucks on it for maybe twenty-two seconds, then has a moment of realisation:
Haley: “Wait a minute! You’re not supposed to suck jellyfish poison out, I’m supposed to pee on it!”
There we go, got there finally, watersports inbound in 3…2…1…
Haley: “What, do you think I’m stupid?”
Not touching it.
Haley: “If you wanted me to suck your dick, why didn’t you just say so? If I suck your dick, will you finally take this seriously and just let me practise?”
Jay: “Of course, I promise.”
That’s about it. They fuck in a variety of positions and things end the way they normally do. Overall, a little disappointing. I feel like they could have done more with this. Maybe have Jay argue that actually her vagina’s PH would neutralize the jellyfish toxins, or have Haley shout some lifeguard shit while they fuck like “Everyone out of the water!” and “No running!”
Kissing: Technically yes but it shouldn’t count in the tracker.
Oral Sex Reciprocity Scale:
- Fellatio: 4:01
- Cunnilingus: 1:03