We open on a slow, panning shot of inflatable animals, and a naked Johnny Thrust (repeat offender) comes into view:

Johnny: “I hate my sister. Nobody understands me. She’s such a bitch. I fuckin’ hate her. My sister walks around all the time all scantily clothed and everything and teases me…you guys don’t tease me, do you?”

Lot to unpack there. We have an angry young man, probably an incel, mad about his sister teasing him, and addressing his problems to a series of inflatable animals. This probably isn’t going to end well. 

Johnny squeezes a stuffed sheep that is clearly some kind of dog chew toy, and it makes a vaguely ‘baa’ sound. 

Johnny: “Do you love me?”

He makes the sheep go ‘baa’.

Johnny: “I know you do. Would you ever tease me?”

He makes the sheep go ‘baa baa’. 

Johnny caresses the sheep, happy, then picks up an inflatable…well, I’m not entirely certain, although its legs look like drumsticks. Maybe a goat? He sensually licks the nose:

Johnny shushes the goat and tells it to be quiet, because there might be people around. He kisses the goat, gives it a gentle hug, starts giggling and baby talking the goat. Eventually he gives it a tummy rub. 

If we weren’t exploring the terrifying psychosis of a (probably) homicidal incel, it might be a nice moment, but we aren’t, so it isn’t. Johnny mentions something about udders, briefly sucks the underside of the goat, realizes this inflatable goat does not have udders, and tosses it aside in disgust. We then slowly pan over to the right, revealing a friendly inflatable cow.

Johnny: “But YOU do!”

Instantly, the music (which was the type of mournful music you would expect to be playing over the deranged ramblings of a man about to be committed to Ron Jeremy’s Institute For The Pornographically Insane) changes to an upbeat song. Johnny grabs the inflatable cow and starts sucking on those titties udders. 

Then he discovers that in addition to udders, this inflatable cow has a Very Special Opening:

Johnny begins aggressively finger-fucking the inflatable cow:

Johnny: “Oh yeah, take it, take it, yeah! You like that? Bad little cow! Yeah, bad little cow! Moooo, yeah, you like that, yeah, take that, take it baby. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah.” 

In the history of human existence, there are few things worse than listening to a male porn star improvise dirty talk, but having to also watch him vigorously finger-fuck an inflatable cow’s vaginal opening propels it to one of the worst things I’ve ever seen captured on film, and I’ve seen educational films about the Holocaust. In fact, the only thing that would be worse than this is if he started fucking the poor –

Goddamnit. What a terrible day to have eyes. 

So. He fucks the inflatable cow for a while, pulling it by the horns, and spanking its thigh, until we pull back and reveal Alexis Malone and Crystal Ray who starts laughing at him. 

Crystal: “You’re disgusting, Johnny! Johnny, Johnny, my perverted brother. He can’t get no pussy, he’ll fuck a cow!”

Johnny screams at her to get out and calls her a bitch. Crystal suggests to Alexis that they go smoke some pot and the girls leave. Johnny slumps down and covers himself with a blanket. The music shifts back to mournful. He picks up the stuffed chew-toy-sheep and clutches it to his chest. Apparently the chew-toy-sheep is more of a comfort item to him, rather than the highly sexualized cow. Interesting. But after a few minutes Alexis enters and asks him if he’s ok while sensually stroking his thigh.

Johnny: “Leave me alone.”
Alexis: “I think your sister’s mean. Can I play with you – the animals – too?”
Johnny: “Why do you want to do that?”
Alexis: “I like animals too.” 
Johnny: “They aren’t really…really animals. It’s all that the store had. I got what the store had.”

Uh…are we supposed to believe that if the store had live animals, that Johnny would have purchased live animals? Are we looking at a budding Mr. Hands situation here? 

Alexis: “My father used to own a farm. I used to watch the pigs fuck.”

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! 

Alexis: “Have you ever seen a horse fuck? Their cocks are so big.”

OH MY GOD I WAS JOKING WE ARE HEADING IN THE MR. HANDS DIRECTION. 

To Alexis’ credit, she is correct: if you’ve never seen a fully aroused horse, their cocks are terrifyingly large, and (as we all know) are much too voluminous for the average adult human rectum, particularly at speed. 

Alexis: “Why don’t you fuck the sheep for me? I want to watch.” 
Johnny: (annoyed) “It’s a cow.”
Alexis: “I wanna help get you hard.”

You know, if you asked me if any woman – ever – would be enticed to fuck a man after watching him copulate with an inflatable plastic cow, I wouldn’t have believed you, but I think this porno took things full circle. If anyone would, it’s this crazy chick with detailed memories of watching pigs and horses fuck on her father’s farm. 

Alexis blows him for a bit while Johnny holds his chew-toy-sheep and upbeat banjo music plays, which may be the only type of porn music I hate more than ‘70s bass. After a short while she picks up the cow, rubs the Very Special Opening, and inserts Johnny’s penis into it. We are then subjected to watching her use this unfortunate cow as a Fleshlight:

I’m not an expert of international law, but I think forcing prisoners to watch this film may qualify as a war crime under the Geneva Convention.

Johnny: “Feel the cow’s love.”

Eventually they put the cow away and get down to normal fucking, and I thought this nightmare would end, but unfortunately they’ve decided to commit to the farm animal bit, so next they tag in the inflatable sheep:

We then get the worst of all possible threesomes where Johnny switches back and forth between Alexis’ vagina and the inflatable sheep’s. After a bit they throw the sheep on the floor and fuck. From off-screen someone (I assume the director) says “Ask her who the tightest pig is on the farm” but he doesn’t. They fuck in a variety of positions and he unleashes a load of high fructose porn syrup all over her face. Alexis ‘baas’ like a sheep. Johnny then hands her the stuffed-chew-toy sheep and has her baa several more times until we finally and mercifully fade to black. 

I’ve said this before, but seriously: who the fuck is this made for? Like, it’s one thing to have some weird and crazy gimmick at the beginning to set up your porn scene, and while I wouldn’t use an inflatable plastic cow being fucked by an incel, if you’re known for bizarre porn setups and you want to leave your mark on this thirteenth installment of Naughty Little Nymphos (a series which keeps on giving), then why not? But why keep pulling the cow back in? Why are you committing to such a terrible bit? Are there seriously people who get off on this? 

I hereby challenge anyone reading this to masturbate to completion while watching this scene.

Kissing: No

Oral Sex Reciprocity Scale:

• Fellatio: 2:55
• Cunnilingus: 3:47

At least he’s a generous lover.