This one comes to us from The Girl Next Door 2, which came out in 1995. We open on Alex Sanders and Steve Hatcher sitting on a couch, doing their best stereotypical Italian mafia impressions, which are not strong. They’re upset because business is slow and even considering torching the place, which seems drastic.
Steve mentions he has his old lady working to help out, and Alex cracks a joke about hearing she’s a great “palmist” and that she “gives great palm”. I’m not sure that jokes about your boss’ wife’s handjob proficiency are wise in the Mafia, but then, I’ve never been a wiseguy. Steve angrily says that his wife is, in fact, a Palmist.
We promptly cut over to Jordan Lee, who is giving the legendary Peter North a palm reading:
Jordan: “You’re going to meet a tall, dark stranger.”
Peter: “Actually, I already have, but it was more of a money transaction.”
Jordan: “Oh really? Tell me about it.”
Peter: “Well, it was kinda simple, really. He told me to reach and I handed him my wallet.”
Jordan: “Let me see your palm! I must’ve missed that. Oh, I see. New opportunities are ripe.”
Peter: “That’s good, because the old opportunities are rotten.”
Jordan: “You poor man.”
Peter: “I lost my job.
Jordan: “Robbed at gunpoint and you lost your job?”
Peter: “Yeah, I was a cul-de-sac designer.”
Jordan: “Well, that’s kind of interesting!”
Peter: “It was kind of a dead-end job.”
You’re winning me over, movie.
Jordan: “That’s unfortunate.”
Peter: “The joke? Actually, speaking of dead ends, I’d really like to find out more about my sex life.”
If Jordan just said, ‘I can foresee you ejaculating…surprisingly large quantities of cum’ this would be my favorite scene ever. No such luck.
Jordan: “From the looks of things, I see you spend a lot of time in the toilet, reading men’s magazines.”
Peter: “And I’d do anything to change that situation. I want to be a do-er, not a reader! I want to be an achiever, I want to go out and find and meet that girl next door.”
Jordan: “Mr. Archer, let me give you some advice since obviously you don’t have a clue. Look around you! The chances of finding the girl next door in this dump are about as good as finding a princess on a porno set.”
Peter: “What’s my alternative?”
Jordan: “Suicide.”
I AM BACK IN.
Jordan: “Or a mercy fuck.”
Peter: “Do you read that in my palms?”
Jordan: “No. It’s in the script.”
GODDAMNIT DON’T BREAK THE FOURTH WALL.
Peter: “Oh. Mercy fuck, or suicide? Mercy fuck, or suicide?”
Jordan: “Here, I can help you decide.”
Again, if she just pulled out a straight razor and started menacing him, this would be my favorite scene ever. Instead, she starts kissing on him and they begin swiftly summiting Fuck Mountain. There is a fun moment where they fucked up the framing as Jordan is stripping and you can clearly see the plywood of the film set behind the cloth that’s draped over it:
After one minute and 11 seconds of cunnilingus, and exactly forty-eight seconds of fucking, Jordan breathlessly announces that she’s cumming, which…I mean, I guess that’s technically possible. Let’s go with impressive: if true. She then proceeds to have three more orgasms in the next four minutes (reportedly). So maybe she’s one of those ladies who can have multiple orgasms with exceedingly little effort, or maybe she just likes her audience to feel small inside. Who’s to say?
Anyway, they fuck in a variety of positions and like most Peter North films, things end with an explosion. You know the man’s resume, I don’t need to explain it to you.
Overall, I think Peter’s streak of bad luck will continue once Jordan’s mob boss husband finds out she’s cheating on him and sends one or both of them down to sleep with the fishes. Hopefully Jordan can read that in Peter’s palm as well.
Kissing: Yes
Oral Sex Reciprocity Scale:
- Fellatio: 1:43
- Cunnilingus: 1:07