We open on Ryan Madison reading the paper, and Kate England rolls in. I’m a little annoyed that Kate England isn’t from England, but allowances must be made.

Kate: “Hey daddy.”
Ryan: “…yeah?”
Kate: “Can you teach me how to play strip poker?”

Whoa! Okay, relationships established, then a solid right turn. I’m of the opinion that if your daughter comes up and asks you to teach her how to play strip poker, you’ve already failed as a parent. Ryan seems to agree.

Ryan: “Strip poker? You have no business playing strip poker. You’re way too young.”

Weird objection. Is there any age where it’s appropriate for a dad to teach his daughter strip poker? 

They argue for a bit and Kate begs him to at least teach her ‘regular poker’ which is another red flag. Once you know poker, it’s not that hard to figure out strip poker. Finally Ryan caves and agrees to teach her regular poker as long as she promises not to play strip poker, because, you know, her mom would be mad. 

First up, Ryan teaches her some basic shuffling, and makes a joke about them playing ‘who takes the trash out’. He then immediately deals himself a full house and wins, and smugly tells his daughter to take the trash out. I’m starting to suspect he may be cheating. 

We then cut outside to Kate…taking out the trash, in two-inch heels, and a shirt that leaves so little to the imagination it might as well not even be there:

Kate heads back inside and demands a rematch. They agree this time it’s for doing the dishes. Ryan deals, and we immediately cut forward to Kate loading the dishwasher. 

Game three, Kate manages to pull out a victory and takes off her jacket, revealing her see-through t-shirt. Game four, Kate loses, and she’s upset because she’s not wearing a bra, but Ryan suggests she take off her necklace. She starts to take off her shirt, but Ryan stops her, and they play another game.

Ryan: “This is the last time. Your mom is going to be home any second now.” 

Ryan wins, and she starts to unbutton her pants, so Ryan stops her in that aw-shucks-we’re-all-playing kind of way, and tells her to get her dad a beer. You know, I feel like Ryan needs to be better at setting boundaries. When your step?daughter wants to play strip poker, you need to nip that shit in the bud. 

After ANOTHER win Kate pops those bottoms off. And maybe it’s the beer and a half Ryan has had, or maybe she’s just worn him down, but his resistance is pretty much gone. He asks if she’s locked the door and she confirms she has. Wait. Are they just going to leave Kate’s poor mom locked outside in the cold when she gets there? SHE’S GOING TO BE HOME ANY SECOND NOW, GUYS.

Kate: “How about we play again, but this time, if you lose, you eat my pussy?” 

HOLY SHIT ABORT ABORT.

Ryan has a better idea, though:

Ryan: “How about I just forfeit?”
Kate: “Really?”

And then they fuck. 

When researching this I saw that Ryan Madison is married to Kelly Madison, and they’re a husband-and-wife directing team for Kelly Madison Networks, which produced this gem. And that’s got to be fun, right, directing your husband as he nails 1,400 younger pornstars over a wildly successful 20-year-career? I mean, jealousy has no business in the porn game, and we don’t judge here at Stupid Porn Plots, but that’s got to be an interesting day-to-day life. “Okay, sweetheart, I need more passion when you’re eating out her pussy. Really put your back into it.” 

That’s about it. They fuck in a variety of positions. I was hoping we’d get some more poker references, like maybe Kate could say “Daddy, you’re my five-card stud.” Or maybe:

Ryan: “Can I touch your tits?”
Kate: “Oh daddy, you know we live in Texas.”
Ryan: “…and?”
Kate: “Hold’em.”

Look, I’m not saying these are great jokes. They aren’t. But if you’re going to go with a stupid strip poker plotline, commit to the fucking bit. 

The only real downside is he keeps sloshing beer over her and slurping it off, which is a great way to get beer up your nose and a yeast infection, not that I’d know from direct personal experience. 

Eventually he bricks inside her, which is a weird choice. I don’t support incest (and they don’t ever bother with saying ‘step’ in this video, so this is straight up blood incest) but man, it’s weird to take a chance on getting your daughter pregnant. 

Then at the end, Ryan says he hears her mom, so he hustles Kate down to the front door, opens it, pushes her outside (probably a crime) says “Hey, this is your daughter!” and slams and locks the door.

Wow. He’s a gem.

Kissing: Yes.

Oral Sex Reciprocity Scale:

• Fellatio: 3:34
• Cunnilingus: 2:14