The first season of True Detective is fucking spectacular. Arguably, one of the greatest single seasons of television of all time. It opens with the brutal murder of a young woman who is posed with antlers out in a cane field, and follows two detectives over a – eh, I’m not revealing any more. Go watch it.

This core concept is, of course, dying for a porn parody. And given that a fourth season of TD is finally currently airing – subtitled Night Country, with more than enough fucking that blurs the lines of consent – now seems like a good time to get into it. 

After a quick shot of a woman tied to a Joshua tree, we enter an interrogation room, where two detectives – one white, one black – are interviewing Ryan Driller, aka Martin Hart, a police detective in Homicide. He’s here to give a statement about the events leading up to something that happened at Pickett Farm, but first, they ask why he was paired up with Kohl. He doesn’t know, they were assigned together by the captain. All he knows is she used to work undercover in Texas before they caught the first case. 

We then get the famed opening credits, and I’ll give them this: they do a pretty solid job at replicating True Detective’s award-winning opening credits. If we’re grading on a porn scale.

We intercut back and forth, which matches True Detective. Marty picks up Misty Kohl, played by Abigail Mac, (who’s been gender-swapped from Matthew McConaughey’s character), and she comes out from the bathroom topless, which surprises him.

She puts her bra and shirt on and they roll out. I like that she’s wearing six-inch stilettos to work in the field. Once in the car, they chat:

Marty: “I know it seems like an odd time, but my wife is insisting I invite you over for dinner. You know, can’t have a female partner without reassuring the old ball and chain. Please say you’ll come.”
Kohl: “You know, I’m not really good in family situations, so just make an excuse.”
Marty: “Listen, you don’t have to stay long or nothing. Just come over, say hi to [Lexi], and then you can make an excuse if you want. Though, if you try [Lexi’s] meatloaf, you just may change your mind.”

Oh. Yum. Meatloaf. Kohl agrees. Then they bitch at each other a bit.

Kohl: “I don’t believe in marriage. I think it’s a social construct for emotionally weak people who can’t function on their own. Same goes for love.”  
Marty: “Well then just what are we all doing here then?”
Kohl: “Humans are a cosmic mistake. We’re the only creatures with this self-awareness, totally removed from nature, trying to find the meaning that we’re special when really we’re just controlled by our own impulses.”

Sounds like porn knockoff Rustin Cohle. Eventually they make it out to the dead woman tied to the Joshua tree:

Marty and Kohl argue about the crime. Marty thinks it was a crime of passion, a working girl who liked it rough, things went wrong with a customer, who then framed things up to throw them off the trail, Kohl thinks it’s the work of a serial killer, and not his first or his last. 

Kohl’s a real dick to Marty, which tracks. We move forward to dinner and find out that Marty is married to Lexi Belle, who wants to set Kohl up. Kohl explains that she was married once, had a kid, but the kid was killed by a drunk driver.

The sadness of the moment is badly undercut by the music choice, which is a chipper piano tune you’d expect to hear in a hotel lobby. 

Later, we move over to Peta Jenson, who is annoyed that Marty is late. They argue, Peta’s annoyed that Marty is married and doesn’t spend enough time with her (Marty’s cheating on Lexi), Marty’s mad that Peta considered going out on a date, and they quickly move past it and start fucking and nothing else of interest happens. 

We’re now at Kohl’s interrogation. She cracks open what looks like a non-alcoholic beer (to the dismay of the other detectives) and slurps from it. The beer has green tape non-subtly covering the label. She then gets in an argument about smoking, but she doesn’t actually light up. 

The detectives want to know about Kohl’s investigation of “the Senator”. 

Kohl: “You two have been around a while. Surely you’ve heard about the Starlight Dollhouse? Shit, I bet you’ve even sampled the wares.”
The White Detective: “What do you know about it?”
Kohl: “Other than being a semi-legal brothel that’s frequented by society’s elite, not much.”

We bounce over to the brothel where Danny Mountain walks up to the madam and asks if everything has been arranged (it has) and hands her a wad of cash. He then goes into a champagne room where Abella Danger is hanging out. She gives him a lapdance while he throws wads of extremely-fake-looking hundred dollar bills at her. If those were real he’s just paid thirty thousand dollars for a fucking lapdance, which seems very excessive. 

They fuck and it’s not terribly interesting. We go back to the interrogation room. 

The White Detective: “You want us to believe the Senator buys barely legal prostitutes?”
The Black Detective: “Frankie gave him up as a longtime customer. Did you get it in writing?”
Kohl: “You know what, I can do you one better. I saw it with my own fucking eyes.”

New scene, Marty and Kohl are walking down an alleyway bitching at each other. Kohl points out she knows that Marty is obviously cheating on his wife and they yell at each other.  

Once inside the brothel, Kohl questions the madam while Eva Lovia flirts with Marty. 

Eva: “Hey handsome, do you want to spend some time alone?”
Marty: “How old are you?”
Eva: “Old enough to know that men in uniform make me weak in the knees.”
Marty: “I wasn’t kidding.”
Eva: “I turned 19 last week, what’s your problem?”
Marty: “You shouldn’t be here.”
Eva: “Why?”
Marty: “It’s not safe.”
Eva: “You’re here about Darla, aren’t you?”

Marty hands her a wad of cash.

Marty: “Get another job.”    

Marty and Kohl interrogate the madam who reveals that ‘Darla’ – aka the murder victim – started dating someone in exchange for dope – some dude named Lucky Jimmy. The madam doesn’t know where to find him, so they leave, and Kohl’s a smart-ass about Marty giving Eva money.    

Back in interrogation, Marty and the detectives chat about who’s the best at interrogations. Marty says that Kohl’s one of the best, which they don’t believe. 

Marty: “You’ve been had. Mark my words, if she’s been in here, she’s been getting a read on you. It’s not the other way around.”

We move over to Marty and Kohl interrogating Lucky Jimmy in prison about Darla. 

Marty: “When did you last see her?”
Lucky Jimmy: “About a month ago. She said she met some king, and was a chosen one. She said crazy things when she was high.”
Kohl: “You know, it seems you actually loved her. You have any idea who might want to do this?”
Lucky Jimmy: “I recognize that symbol. My last cellmate had it on his neck. He was part of some crazy occult bullshit. Everyone seems to be into it.”  

Lucky Jimmy explains there’s a dude named Andy who’s big into cooking meth who might be the guy they’re looking for. He works for the Brotherhood of the Iron Hammer now and is off the grid, but might be available for ‘club members only’. 

Marty: “You used to let your cell mate rub one out to pictures of your girl?”
Lucky Jimmy: “You think that’s why they – she got killed?”
Kohl: “It certainly didn’t help her situation…Lucky Jimmy.”

Marty tells the detectives that Kohl’s undercover work gave her insight into where the gang members hang out. We go to a strip club where strippers are stripping. Kohl goes in and gives Chad White a sensual look. They go next door and chat. Apparently, they used to run in the same gang when Kohl was undercover. Kohl wants in on whatever scam they’re currently running. 

Chad: “How do I know it’s not a setup? How do I know you’re not wearing a wire?”
Kohl: “Well…”

Kohl starts undressing. I’d’ve liked them to do something interesting with this, maybe she could show off her interrogation skills as they’re fucking, but instead we get a pretty generic sex scene. 

After, we cut out to a junkyard in the desert where Marty and Kohl are staking the place out. They see a man in a wifebeater and gas mask, marked with the same symbols as Darla. 

Marty says Kohl should hang here with ‘this one’ and he’ll go arrest Andy. We see Chad’s handcuffed on his knees. Ah. So she did trick him, just off-screen. 

Chad: “I’ve dreamed this. This happened before, and it will happen again.”

Kohl tells him to shut up.

Chad: “He said time is like a flat circle.”

We got it!  

Marty drags Andy out of the building, very angry, and…murders him.

I’ve always thought we need more murder in porn.

Back in the interrogation room, Marty lies and tells the detectives that Chad freed himself, overpowered Kohl, took Kohl’s gun, shot at Marty, killed Andy by accident, and then Marty returned fire and killed Chad. 

Which is great, except for in the next scene we see Kohl murder Chad. 

So per Marty’s story, the bullet from Kohl’s gun should be in Andy’s head, and the bullet from Marty’s gun should be in Chad’s head, but in reality, the exact opposite happened and the ballistics aren’t going to add up. Attention to detail, please! This sloppy work is pulling me right out of the porno. 

We move forward, yada yada yada, they found some bodies of tortured women at that farm, Kohl and Marty got some good press and some medals, the Senator even thanked Kohl personally. However, Marty’s been hooking up with his new stripper pal, which infuriated his old stripper pal, who told Marty’s wife, so Lexi kicks Marty out. 

Kohl: “They were grooming him [meaning Marty] for something big. All he had to do was overlook the evidence that was staring us right in the face.” 
The White Detective: “What evidence was that?”
Kohl: “You know, this wasn’t just the work of one biker going rogue and killing some hooker who dated his cellmate. This wasn’t a crime of passion like they said. This was the work of a secret cult that went far beyond a handful of biker trash cooking meth in an old barn.”

So Kohl opened her own investigation into all the dead women who tested positive for that brand of drugs. Apparently the thing they had in common was that they’d been at a foundation for helping addicts and the homeless, and she found a link. Kohl goes to the strip club and finds Danny Mountain, who turns out to be the ‘Senator’.

Kohl: “He was shy at first, but you’d be amazed at what a man will tell you when you take off all his clothes and lock him in the trunk with a live rattlesnake.”

Okay, that’s a pretty phenomenal line. 

The detectives ask what Marty was up to during this and Kohl says he was banging his new side piece. We cut over to Marty and Eva, and sure enough, they’re hooking up. Classic Marty. 

The White Detective: “Tell us about Misty Kohl’s relationship with your wife, [Lexi].”
Marty: “There’s nothing to tell. Far as I know, they only met the one time at dinner.” 
The Black Detective: “That’s not what we heard.”

Cut to Lexi knocking on Kohl’s door. Kohl explains that Marty isn’t there, but Lexi explains she’s there for Kohl. The detectives tell Marty that there’s a rumor Lexi and Kohl banged, and Kohl ratted Marty out to seduce his wife.

Lexi tells Kohl she knows who Marty is. 

Marty and Kohl meet with Senator Danny Mountain on a public sidewalk with very loud cars driving by. You know, how you meet with Senators. I love that Danny is Australian and has a very noticeable Aussie accent. I also love that in the previous scene Kohl locked the Senator in the trunk with a rattlesnake, and now he doesn’t seem to recognize who she is, even though she wasn’t previously hiding her face. Continuity? What’s that? 

Kohl: “You’ve never heard of New Hope Spirit Foundation?”
Danny: “No, I’ve never heard of that, I don’t know who’s in control of it.”
Kohl: “Well, his name is Mike Pindergrove, and that’s a lie.”
Danny: “Excuse me?”
Kohl: “Let’s just cut to the chase here, I know that you’re a part of this secret cult that’s hurting these girls. One way or the other, we’re going to find out.” 
Danny: “Those are some very harshful accusations you’ve got there, ma’am!”

The Senator storms off. Marty yells at Kohl during the drive home for fucking with his career, and says he’s going to request a new partner. Then he kicks Kohl out of the car, leaving her stranded on the side of the road [???]. 

The detectives tell Marty the Senator is opening an investigation in Kohl, and they want Marty’s help. They think Kohl is involved with the crimes she’s investigating, and ask again if Marty thinks that something happened between Kohl and Lexi, cut to them innocently talking –

-and it quickly moves to them summitting Fuck Mountain.

Marty asks the detectives what he can do to help, and then we cut over to him barging into Kohl’s apartment, where she’s sleeping  au natural, as God intended. 

Kohl: “What are you doing?”
Marty: “Well. They bought it. Thought that that fight left a rift between us.”

Yep, turns out Kohl and Marty have been working together the entire time and their ‘rift’ was an elaborate ruse! 

Marty chats with the black detective and it’s not terribly interesting. Eventually he hands him an envelope full of cash and says he should come running if Marty calls for him. Wait…is Marty bribing a cop to do his job? You just told him he’s ‘one of the good guys’, if he’s a good guy, you don’t need to fucking bribe him!

We see a tied up, gagged lady in her underwear begging someone to let her go:

Then we move into a room with Samantha Rone and Richie Calhoun chatting about a ‘sacrifice’. 

Richie: “The more she suffers…the better the sacrifice will be.”

Samantha pops on a mask and gets naked. She and Richie have very generic, boring sex in front of the skulls in the background. You know, as leaders of a murderous human sacrifice cult, I’d honestly expect them to be a bit kinkier. 

Once they finish, we cut outdoors to Marty and Kohl approaching a house. Kohl says it’s definitely the place.

Marty knocks on the door and Samantha answers. Marty explains the Senator sent them with a message for ‘Bennie’. Samantha says Bennie isn’t there but she’ll take a message. They go back and forth a few times until Kohl cuts to the chase:

Kohl: “Open the door or I’ll put a bullet in your head!”

Marty drags Samantha out and cuffs her. Samantha runs her mouth a bit, so Kohl punches her, knocking her out.

Marty: “Thanks. She was getting on my nerves.”

Ah, police brutality. 

They go inside and release the kidnap victim, who turns out to be an uncredited Nickey Huntsman. She says the bad guys are out back. Marty calls for backup. Kohl runs out and confronts Richie, who rambles about time being a flat circle without explicitly saying that. Kohl says it’s over, Richie says it’s not, and we cut to flickering static for a few seconds and then…Kohl is tied up and topless inside the sacrifice lair? What the fuck?

Richie says this is Kohl’s destiny – to be his victim – and is about to stab her when Marty shoots him. We then cut to Marty and Kohl in the car wrapping things up. Kohl says that she was ‘truly happy’ in the chair, because she was with her daughter for the first time since the daughter died. 

Kohl: “I’m saying that life is just a battle between the forces of darkness and the forces of light.”
Marty: “Seems like there’s a whole lot more darkness out there.”
Kohl: “Yeah. But the light is winning.”

Credits. 

Well. In terms of being a porn parody that vaguely resembles True Detective, I guess it’s…fine? It’s certainly not good. Porn parodies are shit, and while I have to give this one some credit for at least attempting some narrative continuity from scene to scene, it also doesn’t make any fucking sense. The ‘twist’ of Marty and Kohl being allied together to play the interracial detectives doesn’t make any sense, there’s nothing narratively to show why they trust each other, the criminal conspiracy is nonsense, there’s no explanation for why Kohl went from having the big bad at gunpoint to a few seconds of static and suddenly she’s topless and tied up, there’s no overhead shots of the interstate, and worst of all, they never became true detectives.

Also…here’s the thing. Minor spoilers for the first season of True Detective, so stop reading if you haven’t seen it and that bothers you. Also it was a decade ago, so you have nobody to blame but yourself.

The thing is, in True Detective, the sex scenes actually mean something. There’s only a few, and every single one is meaningful and impactful to the plot. Marty is cheating on his wife, and it’s a huge part of his character: he’s a piece of shit, and he suffers the consequences. Kohl fucks Marty’s wife, and it’s a massively impactful part of the story and has huge consequences for every character. If you’re making a porn parody, YOU CAN INCLUDE THESE ELEMENTS.

This is not that hard.

Someone is cheating on their significant other is a time-honored porn tradition, lean into that. Let’s see Marty wracked with guilt, or shamelessly justifying his behavior. Let’s get an idea of just why Lexi sought out Kohl to have some intense lesbian sex. All of these will only make the fucking more impactful and more interesting, because let’s be real, on some level, people like their porn to have something. There’s a reason why people seek out the ‘taboo’ and the ‘naughty’ and the ‘forbidden’. Porn, in and of itself, is moderately taboo, but boring vanilla porn is, well, boring.

Instead, they just shit the bed, and that’s disappointing. Make an effort, guys.

Kissing: Yes