Ah, Christmas. That wonderful time of year to gather together with a bunch of people you can barely fucking tolerate and listen to terrible music, old people being racist, and watch dogshit movies while participating in crass commercialization and the ongoing destruction of the planet.
It’s one of my favorite holidays, personally. And nothing screams ‘Christmas’ quite like a classic kids’ movie starring a 10 year old that’s been adapted into a porno. Strap in.
Also – thanks to the Brilliant Reader who sent this one in – you know who you are.
We open on stock footage of a very nice house blanketed in snow while gentle Christmas music plays:
Inside, Kyler Quinn wakes up and wanders around the house, calling for Mom and Dad.
Kyler: “Where the fuck is everybody?”
She sits on the couch, doing her best to look thoughtful, and then:
Kyler: “Oh yeah…I got in that fight with my family last night. I must have made them disappear.”
First, love the exposition, super smooth, and second, I love how quickly Kyler leaps to her having magical psychic powers. Wouldn’t it be more likely that, I dunno, they went to the fucking grocery store? Literally anything?
Kyler looks directly at the camera, which I don’t like. You’re not Jim from The Office.
Kyler: “I made my family disappear!”
Cue a shitty royalty-free electric-guitar version of O Come, All Ye Faithful, it’s montage time. Kyler snacks on gummy candies, knocks over Christmas decorations, bounces in slow motion on her bed, watches a gangster movie on TV while muttering “Keep the change, you filthy animal!” and eventually starts trying on her mom’s lingerie. You know. Classic girl shit.
Eventually she hears people banging on the front door. Kyler sneaks down and hears a couple dudes talking about going around and breaking in the back door. No, not that back door, although that’s not a bad guess.
Kyler: “It’s the Moist Bandits! I saw them on TV.”
Instead of calling 911, she decides to set up some booby traps. Not that type of booby. Get your mind out of the gutter. Instead, we get a quick montage – which I love, we need more montages in porn – of Kyler arranging nails on the floor, tying string to an iron, scattering marbles and toy cars everywhere. Classic shenanigans. The back door opens and Nathan Bronson and Oliver Flynn come inside, and sure enough, Nathan immediately steps on a nail.
He jumps up and down swearing under his breath. Oliver is not sympathetic and laughs openly, then steps on a toy car and falls right on his tailbone.
They mince their way inside the house. Kyler has cleverly put a sign on the cupboard above the range that says “Money” and when Nathan opens it, the iron swings down and hits him in the face, causing him to go flying backward, ass over teakettle across the sofa. It’s not a great shot, but for porn, it’s surprisingly good, particularly given that they definitely weren’t using professional stuntmen. I would have appreciated a solid ‘gong’ sound effect, though.
Oliver sees Kyler watching and chases after her, after they both take another spill on the marbles. They chase Kyler into the bathroom, Oliver takes saran wrap to the face, Nathan cackles madly, and then Kyler swings a couple of clearly empty paint cans into their faces. That effect is…very bad.
We get a title card saying ‘Later that evening’ and rejoin everyone on the bed. The gents are now naked with their hands tied behind their backs. Dick and balls out.
I’m…pretty impressed. Per her IAFD profile, Kyler Quinn weighs 99 pounds, and looks it. I have no idea how she was able to wrestle these two hefty boys onto the bed.
Oliver: “I guess you’re going to call the cops now? We’re all tied up.”
Kyler: “Well, actually…I’ve been home alone for a really long time now. And I’m quite lonely. I mean, you guys can either rob my house and flood it, or you can…flood my pussy.”
Wordplay is off the charts. Working in the name of the movie AND pussy flooding jokes? Who penned this, William Goldman?
Also, you really need to see a doctor after being knocked out, it’s super bad for you.
Nathan: (stage whisper) “It’s a good deal.”
Kyler: “What’s it going to be? Pussy or jail, boys?”
Oliver: “I’m voting pussy.”
Nathan: “It’s a solid deal. Pussy, yeah.”
Pussy passes 2-0 with no abstentions, so they fuck. She does leave them tied up for quite some time, so this has officially turned into a kidnapping. It’s not terribly interesting, until the very end, where they both come inside her.
Kyler: “I’m definitely going to get pregnant from this.”
The Moist Bandits are suitably horrified, but hey, you could have wrapped it up. They get up to try to find their clothes, but Kyler produces the two (clearly empty) paint cans and unceremoniously bashes them over the head gives them a light tap and they both collapse, unconscious. Kyler picks up her cell phone and holds it to her ear (upside-down) without dialing, and calls the police to report a robbery.
I think the cops might wonder why everyone’s naked, Kyler.
Kissing: No