We open on Allysin Chaynes walking across campus. There’s a group of dudes out engaging in the well-known sport of girl-watching.
Allison (V.O.): “Well, anyways, I was telling you about my grades. Well, not just me, but almost all my sorority sisters. It’s not that we’re dumb, we’re just not smart. That’s why the Greek Society on campus has a tutoring program.”
Allison walks up toward Phillip Hall. Some very quick googling tells us that this is the University of Southern California. I wonder if the filmmakers had permits to film pornography establishing shots on campus?
Allison (V.O.): “They know that us fraternity and sorority brothers and sisters have a very active social life. So they have some of the older ones and smarter ones help us with our homework. I tell you, if I wasn’t so good at blowjobs, I would have never made it to my sophomore year.”
Got it. Sorostitutes are dumb, they need tutoring, they’re sneakily filming at a real college. We cut into a classroom where Allysin and Molly Rome are sitting, scantily clad, while Warren Piece (which is a fantastic porn name) is droning on about animals.
Warren: “Okay, so you’ve got the fish, and then as they progress into mammals such as dolphins and whales, and then on into air-breathing creatures that came up on the earth. That should about catch you up on what you’ve done in class so far.”
There’s nothing I enjoy more than watching pornstars improvise what a college biology tutoring class should sound like.
Warren: “Is there anything you don’t understand?”
Allysin: “Well, Warren, I pretty much got behind after the first day of class, I haven’t really understood anything.”
Warren: “Well, [Allysin], that’s why it’s really good you joined the Greek system. I joined the Greek system four years ago, so that I could have good contacts when I got out into the business world, and so that I could have people to help me when I got into trouble. And now I’m tutoring for underclassmen, to help you out, wherever I can. And see, the reason you’re not paying attention in class is cause you and all the Pi Pi girls are going to the Kappa house and getting drunk and partying and God knows what. I’m up in the attic studying, I don’t even know you’re there. So let’s get back to science.”
As he’s talking, Warren comes around and perches his ass on the edge of the desk, then pulls out a large jar.
The jar contains something that vaguely resembles a tiny penis and scrotum, which makes Allysin and Molly start whispering and giggling together. Warren is not pleased.
Warren: “You gotta be serious if you want to get through these type of classes. I mean, what do you find so funny about this?”
Allysin: “That looks like a penis.”
Warren explains that it’s a type of calamari and that they need to take things seriously. This was from the first chapter of their textbook. Uncowed, Molly raises her hand and asks Warren if his penis is larger than the calamari. Warren says they don’t need to get into that and they should focus on the tutoring.
Allysin: “Warren, can we see your penis? You’ve got to prove it to us.”
Molly: “Yeah!”
Warren: “I can’t be doin’ that in here, you know how much trouble we could get in?”
Allysin and Molly start banging their pens against the desks.
Allysin and Molly: “PENIS! PENIS! PENIS! PENIS!”
Warren tries to shush them but under the pressure, crumbles faster than the French army, and whips it out.
Warren: “There, you happy now? Is that bigger than this?”
The girls agree his penis is bigger than the calamari. But they want to see how big they can make it. You know, classic schoolgirl stuff. They push him onto the desk.
Allysin: “Now this is the type of science I like.”
Some fairly standard knob-slobbing ensues, and we even get a synaloepha.
Allysin: “Sometimes, if you can suck a cock good enough, you don’t even have to study.”
Stay in school, kids.
There’s a bunch of standard but uninspired fucking, overlaid with generic, royalty-free jazzy music with a heavy focus on the saxophone. You know, I should really try and figure out exactly who was responsible for the porn industry moving away from including incredibly shitty music over porn and send them a fruit basket.
Eventually, Warren Piece unleashes his emotional pain all over them, and things end.
Kissing: No